Sex & Gender

Sex Issue: The Best Places To Get It On In Public

Unless you're under house arrest or are bedridden with bronchitis, there's really no reason to have sex indoors. Walls are so Topeka-ish.

We live in a subtropical paradise with very loose morals. There may not be a better city in the world in which to penetrate a friend in the fresh air.

For our upcoming Sex Issue, we scoured our expertise for the best places to have sex in public in Miami-Dade County. We've excerpted a couple here.

Our lawyer asked us to remind you: outdoor sex is illegal, and if you get caught porking it in the Everglades, don't call us for bail money.

Haulover Beach

The upside of having sex at Miami's only "clothing-optional" beach is everybody's already naked, and if you go into the water, nobody can see you (unless they're wearing goggles), and there's just a lot of gray area there. Who's to say you weren't only hugging your friend-- from behind-- and it slipped in? The downside to having sex here is you'll get sand in places even the bravest urologist or gynecologist won't traverse, and also jellyfish. Evil, evil jellyfish.

The men's bathroom in Mansion

(It's not technically outdoors, but it's definitely in the wild.) There are a couple of obstacles to getting it on here. The foremost is the nosy bathroom attendant, who's sick of spray-tanned people fornicating in his workplace but is also the easiest person to bribe in Miami-Dade County. ($3.) The second hurdle is convincing your more-scrupulous companion to carnally intermingle in a stall puddled with vomit while LMFAO blares overhead. But to drop your dragon-embroidered jeans and lift your partner's mini-dress over her hair poof and copulate in a standing position in these environs... It's the Miami version of scaling Everest. Shots! Shots! Shots!

Whoa, we were kind of in a trance when we wrote that. Be sure to check out the rest of the list, and the entire Sex Issue, when it's published this week.

Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.

KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Gus Garcia-Roberts