Miami Only Ranked Fourth Sexiest City by Playboy, Which Is a Damn Outrage
Photo by Chris Carter

Miami Only Ranked Fourth Sexiest City by Playboy, Which Is a Damn Outrage

Miami is a city constantly trying to improve itself and its image. We're gleeful just about any time we wind up on some positive city ranking list. 

"Miami is the 17th best city in America for hamster enthusiasts? Fuck yeah!"

"We're ninth for art galleries specializing in neo-post-modern figurative art! Let's pop some bottles!" 

But one status we didn't think we had to work on, one we thought was a given, one throne we didn't even think there was a game for, was as America's sexiest city. 

Yet, along comes Playboy, which decided to dump us in the fourth spot of its list that purports to rank America's sexiest cities. We'd be fine if it was fourth sexiest in the world. But just within American borders? The hell? 

To come up with the list, Playboy conducted two customized polls using Survey Monkey. The first asked people to rank cities 1 to 25 on their perceptions of how sexy a city was. The second then asked people in the top five placing cities to give details about their sex lives and attitudes toward sex.

Interestingly, the survey found that Miamians had more sex per year than any other city on the list. Miamians (or at least those who fill out Playboy surveys) reported they got it on about 160 times per year. Forty-six percent also said they've had a sexual encounter with a coworker, also the highest on the list. We were also tops for enjoying sex on the beach and in cars. 

They also put together a nightlife index that measured the number of bars and clubs per capita against the walkability index. (Because there's nothing sexier than walking to the club.) Miami came in third behind New York and San Francisco. 

So who, uh, topped us? 

New York came in first, because there's nothing sexier than catching the L out to Brooklyn to have furtive sex in someone's 200-square-foot bedroom, but "Shhh! You gotta be quiet! My three roommates are home. Also, if you happen to see a mouse, just, uh, ignore it. We're getting it taken care of, right after the bedbug problem." 

Los Angeles came in second, which we almost understand considering that Playboy's trademarked look of "fake boobs and even faker blonde hair" is still very much the look there. 

What's really upsetting is that Chicago edged us out for third place. Chicago! Land of deep-dish pizzas, frozen winters, and Bears fans! 

I'm sorry, but has Will Smith ever written an annoyingly catchy song about how sexy Chicago is? Has anyone ever written any song about how sexy Chicago is? 

Listen, this is Miami, a city where regular porn watchers not only go "Oh, hey, I know that person," but "Oh, hey, I know exactly where that was filmed."

A city where topless sunbathing is de rigueur and home to America's largest urban nude beach. 

A city renowned for its big ol' booties and teeny tiny wardrobe choices. 

I mean, I've seen three exposed nipples in my office building's lobby this week alone. 

But Playboy is going to tell us that Chicago is sexier than Miami. For God's sakes! Chicago is a city where people probably actually read Playboy for the articles.

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