LeBron James Needs to Get Some of that Drug Called Charlie Sheen

We were led to believe that LeBron James was special. That he was bitching, a total frickin' rock star from Mars. That he had tiger blood and Adonis DNA. That he was some sort of basketball warlock. That his joining the Heat would mean, duh, WINNING! But that hasn't worked out so well recently against some of the better teams in the league. And now LeBron can't even elevate his Twitter game to a Charlie Sheen level. Obviously, it's time for a patented Charlie Sheen WINNING pep talk.

USA Today for some reason decided to point out that in the few days Sheen has been on Twitter, his follower count now outnumbers King James's. Sheen's is at 1,534,380, while LeBron's is 1,507,364. Which, yay, USA Today, wonderfully informative, necessary article.

It got us thinking, though. Maybe LeBron and the rest of the Heat need a Charlie Sheen pep talk and an advance copy of his upcoming bookApocalypse Me: Warlock Latin for WINNING.

Sheen is apparently a Lakers fan, but he appears willing and ready to share his message of WINNING with the entire world. Besides, isn't that half of what a sports coach does anyway -- just intensely yell various things about winning?

Failing a special appearance, here are some choice Sheen-inspired words of encouragement for LeBron and the Heat:

  • "Stop pretending like your life isn't perfect and bitchin' and just whining every second, LeBron. Just be bitchin' and just deliver the goods at every fucking turn."
  • "You have one speed. You have one gear. Go."
  • "Just hook up with Wade and Bosh and bring fiery death."
  • "Park your nonsense."
  • "You're on a quest to claim absolute victory on every front."
  • "Losing a game and need to be WINNING? Just close your eyes and make it so with the power of your mind."
  • "Think you can't win the NBA Championship? Can't is the cancer of happen."
  • "I don't know, winning, anyone? Rhymes with winning? Anyone? Yeah, that should be the Heat."

Please, Heat, harness the power of the Sheen. In fact, don't just be WINNING. Be BIG-WINNING, duh. Because right now you're playing like Jon Cryer and the fat kid from the show. That's not WINNING. That's losing. Buh-bye.

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Kyle Munzenrieder