Everyone Running for the Senate in Florida Is Terrible

There are over 20 million people in Florida. That's a population larger than all but two other Senate districts. Which means there are millions of Floridians who are technically eligible to run for the Senate. Theoretically, at least a few thousand of them could actually do a damn good job at it. It's just numbers and probability.

Yet, somehow, none of those imagined candidates are running for Sen. Marco Rubio's seat. Instead we have a handful of clowns. 

We've got a bunch of Jay Fiedlers, Daunte Culpeppers, and Cleo Lemons running, when what we really need is a Dan Marino. 

To put it another way, we have a bunch of LaTavias, LeToyas, and Farrahs when what we need is a BeyoncĂ©. That's right, none of these people is even at a Kelly or Michelle level. 

Believe it or not, Florida used to have no problem finding candidates who would do us proud in the Senate. It wasn't that long ago when we were represented by Sens. Bob Graham and Connie Mack III, a Democrat and Republican, respectively, who were both hugely popular and widely respected. During the Great Depression and World War II, this particular Senate seat was represented by Claude Pepper, a leading lion of the Senate who was so great and ahead of his time that Floridians actually kicked him out of office in the '50s because of the Red Scare. He ended up running for a House seat from Miami and was the only member of the Florida delegation to vote for the Civil Rights Act of 1964. That's how on point the guy was.

Now we don't even have Claude Pepper to kick out. We have a selection of a spineless career politician, a blustering, loudmouthed faux-populist, some unknowns, and a Satanist who drinks goat blood to choose from. 

The fact that control of the entire U.S. Senate could come down to which of these fools Floridians decide they dislike the least is just saddening.  

Say what you want about our other senator, Bill Nelson. The fact is he remains immensely popular, doesn't cause too much controversy or bring too much attention to himself, does his damn job, and he's been to space. We're pretty sure if Floridians could, they'd just vote for him to hold both seats at once. 

That's more than we can say about these candidates. Let's review why each is a terrible choice: 
Marco Rubio (Republican) 
Carlos Beruff (Republican) 
  • Has all the same controversial opinions as Donald Trump but with a fraction of the entertainment value. 
  • Decries career politicians and politics as usual, though he used to donate big-time money to keep those career politicians in their jobs. 
  • Received lofty state appointments from Govs. Charlie Crist and Rick Scott because he's so embedded with the status quo. Yet resigned from one of those positions amidst a scandal. 
  • He doesn't have my vote. 
Ernie Rivera and Dwight Young (Republicans) 
  • They don't have my vote.
Patrick Murphy (Democrat) 
Alan Grayson (Democrat) 
  • Entire public persona is a bad Keith Olbermann impersonation. 
  • The one thing people actually like about him is that he's a "progressive warrior," but his actual voting record is arguably less progressive than that of Debbie Wasserman Schultz. 
  • Once called a female lobbyist a "whore" and his ex-wife a "gold digger," and yet wasn't afraid to take an opponent's words out of context to make them sound more misogynistic than they were. 
  • Also made that "whore" comment on the radio show of right-wing conspiracy theorist Alex Jones, a guy so racist, homophobic, and generally deplorable he should have never been legitimized by an interview with a sitting member of Congress in the first place. 
  • Oh, and the populist who wants to take on the one percent is one of the richest members of Congress, and operated a hedge fund with an outlet in the Cayman Islands while in Congress. 
  • He doesn't have my vote. 
Pam Kieth (Democrat) 
  • Seems like a perfectly fine person but has no elective experience and only moved to Florida in 2011.
  • Mostly:

  • She doesn't have my vote. 
Reginald Luster and Rocky De La Fuente

  • Don't deserve their own GIFs. 
  • They don't have my vote. 
Augustus Sol Invictus (Libertarian) 

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Kyle Munzenrieder