Most Florida Man ‘Alligator Alcatraz’ Merch, Ranked

MAGA Republicans are trying to make a quick buck via the new controversial immigration detention facility in the Everglades dubbed “Alligator Alcatraz.”

While Gov. Ron DeSantis, President Donald Trump, and U.S. Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem treated the facility opening on Tuesday like a Hollywood movie premiere, Alligator Alcatraz merchandise, from baby onesies to T-shirts to beer koozies, popped up all over the internet to celebrate the new makeshift detention center. Florida officials even gave people visiting the 39-square-mile site in the Everglades some merch ahead of Trump’s arrival.

In a video posted on X, conservative pundit Benny Johnson shows off his new hat, with an image of an alligator and “Alcatraz” displayed proudly below in all caps as he stands inside the barbed-wire facility.

“I just want everyone to know that there is official Alligator Alcatraz merch,” Johnson says, pointing to his new hat. “There it is. Provided to us by the state of Florida. Incredible. Would you rock this drip? Look at that.”

As the Florida GOP, Florida Attorney General James Uthmeier, and other Amazon sellers try to capitalize on the sprawling immigration facility that critics have slammed as cruel and inhumane, here is a roundup of Alligator Alacatraz gear that your neighborhood Florida Man is most likely to buy.

Alligator Swimming Around Alcatraz

The quintessential Florida Man needs a T-shirt in honor of the former prison with a Florida touch. Just don’t tell him that the original Alcatraz is offshore his least favorite city: San Francisco.

Retro “Alligator Alcatraz” T-Shirt

This T-shirt’s vivid colors and cartoon drawing are great for the Florida man’s kiddos. It’s just absolutely perfect for the next family cruise. Thankfully, the shirt comes in various hues: pink, purple, navy, you name it.

Alligator Alcatraz Baby Onesie

Don’t worry, we didn’t forget about the little fellas. An “Alligator Alcatraz” onesie is the perfect baby gift.

Make Moats Great Again

Attention all Florida men: Be sure to buy the red “Make Moat Greats Again” V-neck for the wifey – it will pair perfectly with her MAGA hat. The brand “Alligator Alcatraz Merch” on Amazon is hawking a lot of gear in honor of the controversial facility. 

“Alligator Alcatraz” Tank Top

All the Florida bros on Fort Lauderdale Beach will surely rock “Alligator Alcatraz” tank tops over the holiday weekend.

Alligator Alcatraz Golf Balls

Uthmeier is really looking out for the golfers who LOVE Alligator Alcatraz. Made in the USA!

Alligator Alcatraz Camo Koozies

Just in time for the Fourth of July, Uthmeier is also selling “Alligator Alcatraz” beverage coolers. One will surely keep the Florida man’s can of Hulk Hogan’s “Real American Beer” nice and cold. 

Alligator Alcatraz” Behind Bars

It is only right that a Florida man has a T-shirt featuring a ‘roided-up alligator locked up in honor of the new facility that many have called inhumane and horrifying.

Bonus Superlatives: Alligator Alcatraz Merch for Every Occasion

Most likely to be worn for a mugshot: Alligator Mugshot T-shirt
Most likely to be seen outside Versailles: Florida GOP Alligator Alcatraz Hat
Most likely to end up in a donation bin: Alligator NICE (National Institute of Crocodilian Enforcement) Agents
Most likely to be used as a grocery bag at Publix: Cowboy Alligator Holding a Gun Tote
Most likely to be used as a refill cup at Starbucks: “Check in…And Chomp Out” Tumbler