Dexter Pittman Briefly Succeeds in Making People Aware He Exists With Three-Game Suspension

Who knows what goes through a basketball player's mind when he spends the vast majority of the time sitting on the bench during such a heated and important playoff series. Perhaps the Miami Heat's Dexter Pittman thought to himself, "Man, the whole world is watching this series, and ain't no one gonna know the name Dexter Pittman. I gotta do something. I gotta make people aware I exist." After realizing he was the third best center on a team that doesn't have a single good center and that he plays on a team with two of the best basketball players in the world, he quickly crossed "taking over the game" off his list and may have thought, "Imma sucker punch a chump. Then people will be talking 'bout Dexter Pittman."

He has briefly succeeded, as the NBA has suspended him for three games.

Yes, somehow people are talking about Dexter Pittman thanks to his ridiculously inconspicuous strike against Lance Stephenson.

Pittman had wasted his previous chance of being a part of this series back in Game Three. In a move that doesn't help dispel the notion that Erik Spolestra really has no idea what he's doing, Pittman started game three of the series. CBS Sports started their story about the lineup change with "Dexter who?" Exactly. He played three minutes and sat the rest on the bench.

"Yeah, I'll elbow that Lance, bro. Lance? What kind of name is that? Go ride a bike, Lance. It'll be perfect too. It'll grab all the headlines. People will think it's retaliation for his mockery of LeBron. Yeah, media gonna be stirring about this. Dexter Pittman's name is gonna be all over SportsCenter tomorrow."

"Maybe they'll give me some sort of cool nickname. Something that represents how much of a ruthless badass I am. How people fear me. Hmm, is there like some famous fictional Miamian who people are afraid of that has a name kind of like mine. Like some sort of infamous gangsta. Or, wait, no a serial killer. Like a serial killer who kills serial killers. That's how badass I am. If only there was some sort of serial killer killin' serial killer who was associated with Miami whose name sounds like Dexter. Whatever, I'll let the media figure it out."

"Man, plus the Heat fans are gonna be so pissed after I get suspended. And I will get suspended. I'll even wink to let everyone know I'm cold-blooded like that. Then when I come back they'll be chanting 'Dexter! Dexter! Dexter!' Yeah, this is gonna be awesome."

Unfortunately, there was one fatal flaw to this plan: Udonis Haslem was handed a one game suspension as well. And that's all that anyone really cares about. Pittman is a footnote to a footnote. To quote our own NBA muse Chris Joseph, "Pittman is a pair of lumpy tits so it doesn't matter if the Heat lose him." His single best game as an NBA player was scoring six points. Six points against the Charlotte Bobcats. Michael Jordan could still get on the floor against his own team and score six points in a 5-on-1.

So, the entire sports world is now reminded that Pittman exists, but he probably wasn't going to play in those three games anyway. He's so far back on the bench he sits in the third row.

Sucks about Haslem, though.

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