| Sports |

Cleveland Witches Have Placed a Hex on LeBron James, Apparently

Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Miami and help keep the future of New Times free.

A group of witches gathered in a Cleveland radio station yesterday with a voodoo doll, some pig bones, a pentagram and a fake human skull to perform a ritual to curse the Heat's LeBron James. This might explain the Heat's opening night loss to the Celtics. It might explain why the Heat played so poorly against the Eastern Conference Champions. But mainly, it explains that Cleveland really needs to get the fuck over it already.

...armed with a pentagram, pig and cow bones, a fake skull, and a voodoo doll to curse LeBron before tonight's Heat-Celtics matchup. One of the evil chants -- "Tie a knot against the king. May he die without a ring."

The city of Cleveland really is taking this well, aren't they? Between witches gathering in a radio station with dollar store Halloween skulls and Harry Potter costumes, to a stand-up comedian comparing LeBron to Art Garfunkle in a letter (because, he was Paul Simon's less-talented "side kick," you see), the city of Cleveland is doing everything they can to throw away any and all sympathy they may have earned after King James made his decision to come to South Beach.

For the record, LeBron did lead last night's game with 31 points and almost singlehandedly brought Miami back while the rest of the team -- including Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh -- struggled mightily. So it's hard to tell if all the ill-will and hexes are really working.

Are these people really witches? We say we find out like they did back in the day, by taking them to a lake and holding their heads under the water. If they come back up screaming and yelling after a good ten minutes have passed, then we'll know to take this curse seriously. And if they don't, well no harm done.

Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.