The Eight Best Miami Bars for Bad Moms

It’s hard to ignore sexy older women — "bad moms," if you will — especially now that the Mila Kunis-starring sequel is in theaters. Whereas younger women are naively preoccupied with perfecting their Instagram followers-to-following ratio, Miami MILFs exude a self-acceptance that, in a town that hypersexualizes women, can be attained only through hard-earned experience. Hot moms of the Magic City know their glutes look amazing in those yoga pants. But they don’t need your compliments, gawking, or Facebook likes. Whether or not they have a ring on their finger, public approval ranks low on their list when they're balancing a family, checkbook, and career.

Sure, some nights are spent in sweat pants covered in pasta sauce and snot. But when a babysitter is holding the fort for a few hours, these seductive mamas are slipping into their highest heels, reaching for their tiniest clutch, and channeling their inner Amal Clooney.

You won’t find them at Taco Tuesday. These are the eight best watering holes to spot Miami’s hot mamas:

8. Vagabond Kitchen & Bar. Kelis' milkshake might bring all boys to the yard, but it's Vagabond Kitchen & Bar's happy hour that lures the MILFs to the MiMo District. From 6 to 8 p.m., this Biscayne Boulevard mainstay dishes out discounted cocktails, wine, and appetizers, and the thirsty, after-work sisterhood throws 'em back. Fridays, you'll have to elbow your way to a spot at the bar or settle for people-watching from a more remote seat.

The Eight Best Miami Bars for Bad Moms
Courtesy of Monty’s Raw Bar

7. Monty’s Raw Bar. Come for strong frozen drinks and conch fritters; stay for the view of Biscayne Bay, marina and all the pretty ladies. During happy hour, this place teems with University of Miami students. Once the drink prices level out as the clock strikes 8 p.m., the under-25 crowd flees like Cinderella to the darker, stickier dive bars in the Grove. Sure, Monty's is a little tacky, but bad moms have been partying here since before they were moms. Live music on the weekends beckons everyone to the makeshift dance floor.

The Eight Best Miami Bars for Bad Moms
Courtesty of the Delano

6. Rose Bar at the Delano. The huge white pillars, billowing white curtains, and the $30,000 Salvador Dalí gold Leda chair might intimidate the average inebriated South Beach zombie from entering the Delano. The experienced woman, however, ascends the stairs leading to the front doors and glides across the spacious lobby. She nabs a seat at the rose-quartz bar and slings back $20 cocktails effortlessly. If celebrity MILFs like Madonna and J.Lo were to strut in, these Miami moms wouldn't even bat an eye.

Drink to the weekend! Happy Hour starts now!

A post shared by George's On Sunset (@georgesonsunset) on

5. George’s on Sunset. Since it opened in 2010, this South Miami eatery has become the LIV for suburban moms. With glinting disco balls, fog machines, and sparklers, George's on Sunset lives up to the hype but without the commute over the bay. It gets loud, so don't expect too much conversation. But party-ready mamas turn up in droves here, especially Sundays, when bottomless brunch eventually gives way to a raucous night out.

4. Seaspice. Overlooking the Miami River, Seaspice is the 305's take on the French Riviera. And it's undoubtedly one of the swankier places to spot bad moms. On weekends, find eye-catching ladies stepping off their 60-foot yachts, sipping rosé at the bar, or enjoying a decadent lunch with other MILFs. Try not to stare.

3. Happy Wine in the Grove. This cozy wine-shop-turned-wine-bar caters to the afterwork-mom crowd looking to wait out rush-hour traffic. Shelves brim with wines from around the world. Tables are made from wine crates and casks. The corkage fee is fairly cheap. Whereas other spots are bustling with sexy moms dancing in little black dresses, Happy Wine calls for them to let their hair down, relax, and devour plates of tapas.

The Eight Best Miami Bars for Bad Moms
Courtesy of Blue Martini

2. Blue Martini. It doesn't matter which location you visit — CEO Mark Vasu has concocted a recipe that lures hordes of hot moms to his spacious entertainment venues. It could be the 40-plus martinis on menu, but it wouldn't be far-fetched to wonder if Vasu has an alarmingly accurate top-secret MILF radar that calculates traffic patterns and distance from Publix to pinpoint the best spot for a lounge that not only caters to sensual mamas but also celebrates them.

The Eight Best Miami Bars for Bad Moms
Courtesy of WXYZ Bar

1. WXYZ. Nestled in the Aloft Hotel's lobby in Doral, the WXYZ bar on a Friday night feels like a quinceañera for 30- and 40-something mamas. One hand on their hip, these MILFs clack around in heels and throw their heads back not only to chug their vodka sodas but also to laugh, because they're having the time of their lives. It doesn't matter that a former child contestant from America's Got Talent is singing her newest hit seven feet to their left. These ladies are queued up beside the bar, and that's where they'll remain until the sitter calls to ask for an ETA.

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