| Opinion |

Just in Time for Miami Music Week... Play the Ultra 2011 Bingo Card!

Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Miami and help keep the future of New Times free.

Ultra is only four days away. But the parties start tonight. And with dance music and rave culture letting its freak flag fly the entire week, we've decide to honor it with a fun game of Bingo! Well, with a slight Miami Music Week/Ultra Music Festival twist.

Instead of numbers, the board's squares are stocked with all kinds of stuff you might see at a rave. If you spot a girl in furry neon boots at Ultra, you mark it. Get it? Got it? Good.

And not to worry. We're going to explain every item on the Bingo card for you. Because the week of Ultra isn't about thinking, it's about getting totally wasted with your favorite bro and possibly waking up, er, naked next to him the following morning. But thanks to the copious amount of liquor and drugs you mixed, you don't remember a thing. So it doesn't count. Right?

Ultra/Miami Music Week 2011 Bingo Card

Yarn hair: If ravers are anything, it's committed ... to keeping outdated fashion trends alive. Other subcultures, mainly goths, have also adopted the trend, further proof of the fashion accessory's utilization by attention whores. Yarn hair is also for those too afraid to commit to the white-kids-with-dreads trend.

Entry-level DJ: He's got an iPod and a pirated copy of Serato on his dad's MacBook.

Sugar daddies: South Beach is full of 'em. They're normally seen next to a thriving species known as femalia golddiggerus. So what if he has kids in their 20s and unlimited Viagra refills?

Photographers: Not just any photographer. We're talking about party photographers here. Bonus points if you spot LastNightsParty.com's Bronques or Mark of TheCobrasnake.com.

Furry boots: See yarn hair, above.

Plastic bracelets: Must come in neon colors. Those of the candy variety are also acceptable.

Deadmau5 head: Doesn't have to be actual head worn by Joel Zimmerman. There are plenty of other douchebags who think if they dress up like Zimmerman, some raverette might mistake him for the real deal.

Hipsters: Also known as New Times writers. Their level of snark and irony is only matched by their complete unawareness that every other subculture hates them. In addition to a wardrobe straight out of a Wes Anderson movie, you'll be able to distinguish them by their judgmental stares.

Ecstasy: We know. We're narcs.

Goggles: Nothing says, "I just came from the meth lab," like these babies.

Vicks inhaler: Er, you know, to clear up those sinuses.

Groupies: Because what's the point of being a superstar DJ if there isn't a bounty of poontang. Can be found buttering up security guards hoping to get backstage access.

Glow stick: Bonus points if they are attached to strings and being twirled around.

Ticket scalpers: Let's just say March 25 to 27 is basically Christmas Day for local scalpers.

Water: In the normal world, water is free. But inside the confines of Ultra or a nightclub, it's going to cost you $50 plus tip.

Dilated pupils: Come on, man. There are a number of reasons why my pupils are the size of quarters. Would you believe me if I told you I just came back from the opthamologist?

Sunglasses at night: Curse you, Corey Hart!

"I'm in Miami, Bitch!" T-shirt: It could be worse. It could say "I'm in Cleveland, Bitch."

Eurotrash: In addition to being completely unaware of the latest advances in deodorant technology, the Eurotrash species loves outdated house music and/or trance.

Pacifiers: The grinding is a bitch, man.

Bro-on-bro PDA: Ecstasy sometimes brings out repressed homosexual feelings for your bro. Good thing you can blame it on the drugs tomorrow morning.

Shaved Ultra logo: File this under "not enough money in the world."

Hello Kitty: Really, any accessory featuring childhood favorites, including Elmo, Cookie Monster, Barney, and Teletubbies.

Non-relevant '80s band: "Her name is Rio and she dances really bad / The mom of three still really likes this band."

Download the high-resolution PDF version of Ultra/Miami Music Week 2011 bingo card.

Follow Crossfade on Facebook and Twitter @Crossfade_SFL.

Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.