Opinion

Just in Time for Miami Music Week... Play the Ultra 2011 Bingo Card!

Ultra is only four days away. But the parties start tonight. And with dance music and rave culture letting its freak flag fly the entire week, we've decide to honor it with a fun game of Bingo! Well, with a slight Miami Music Week/Ultra Music Festival twist.

Instead of numbers, the board's squares are stocked with all kinds of stuff you might see at a rave. If you spot a girl in furry neon boots at Ultra, you mark it. Get it? Got it? Good.

And not to worry. We're going to explain every item on the Bingo card for you. Because the week of Ultra isn't about thinking, it's about getting totally wasted with your favorite bro and possibly waking up, er, naked next to him the following morning. But thanks to the copious amount of liquor and drugs you mixed, you don't remember a thing. So it doesn't count. Right?


Ultra/Miami Music Week 2011 Bingo Card

Yarn hair: If ravers are anything, it's committed ... to keeping outdated fashion trends alive. Other subcultures, mainly goths, have also adopted the trend, further proof of the fashion accessory's utilization by attention whores. Yarn hair is also for those too afraid to commit to the white-kids-with-dreads trend.

Entry-level DJ: He's got an iPod and a pirated copy of Serato on his dad's MacBook.

Sugar daddies: South Beach is full of 'em. They're normally seen next to a thriving species known as femalia golddiggerus. So what if he has kids in their 20s and unlimited Viagra refills?

Photographers: Not just any photographer. We're talking about party photographers here. Bonus points if you spot LastNightsParty.com's Bronques or Mark of TheCobrasnake.com.

Furry boots: See yarn hair, above.

Plastic bracelets: Must come in neon colors. Those of the candy variety are also acceptable.

Deadmau5 head: Doesn't have to be actual head worn by Joel Zimmerman. There are plenty of other douchebags who think if they dress up like Zimmerman, some raverette might mistake him for the real deal.

Hipsters: Also known as New Times writers. Their level of snark and irony is only matched by their complete unawareness that every other subculture hates them. In addition to a wardrobe straight out of a Wes Anderson movie, you'll be able to distinguish them by their judgmental stares.

Ecstasy: We know. We're narcs.

Goggles: Nothing says, "I just came from the meth lab," like these babies.

Vicks inhaler: Er, you know, to clear up those sinuses.

Groupies: Because what's the point of being a superstar DJ if there isn't a bounty of poontang. Can be found buttering up security guards hoping to get backstage access.

Glow stick: Bonus points if they are attached to strings and being twirled around.

Ticket scalpers:
Let's just say March 25 to 27 is basically Christmas Day for local scalpers.

Water: In the normal world, water is free. But inside the confines of Ultra or a nightclub, it's going to cost you $50 plus tip.

Dilated pupils: Come on, man. There are a number of reasons why my pupils are the size of quarters. Would you believe me if I told you I just came back from the opthamologist?

Sunglasses at night: Curse you, Corey Hart!

"I'm in Miami, Bitch!" T-shirt: It could be worse. It could say "I'm in Cleveland, Bitch."

Eurotrash: In addition to being completely unaware of the latest advances in deodorant technology, the Eurotrash species loves outdated house music and/or trance.

Pacifiers: The grinding is a bitch, man.

Bro-on-bro PDA: Ecstasy sometimes brings out repressed homosexual feelings for your bro. Good thing you can blame it on the drugs tomorrow morning.

Shaved Ultra logo: File this under "not enough money in the world."

Hello Kitty: Really, any accessory featuring childhood favorites, including Elmo, Cookie Monster, Barney, and Teletubbies.

Non-relevant '80s band: "Her name is Rio and she dances really bad / The mom of three still really likes this band."

Download the high-resolution PDF version of Ultra/Miami Music Week 2011 bingo card.

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Jose D. Duran is the associate editor of Miami New Times. He's the strategist behind the publication's eyebrow-raising Facebook and Twitter feeds. He has also been reporting on Miami's cultural scene since 2006. He has a BS in journalism and will live in Miami as long as climate change permits.
Contact: Jose D. Duran