Ass your only asset? Check! Spoiled princess? Check! Have a slutty celebutante friend you can use to get in front of paparazzi lenses? Check! Now all you need to complete your transformation into a mindless sex object is finding a washed up pop star's little brother to piss on you in a self-released sex tape. Get the next best thing to Ray J's urine, the new fragrance by Kim Kardashian.
She'lll be in Miami this Saturday to launch the scent. And if you're one of the first 300 customers to purchase a Kim Kardashian's Gold Fragrance Package for $130 at Macy's Aventura Mall, you'll receive a complimentary photograph with Kardashian this Saturday at 2 p.m.
Although we appreciate that Kim has given the event that propelled her name into America's psyche -- the Golden Shower -- a nod by naming her latest fragrance after it, we wonder: What does a Kardashian really smell like? Here are a few rhetorical designer fragrances that capture the essence of the entire Kardashian clan:
Kim's Next Fragrance: Almost Feline
Base notes include urine after a meal of asparagus, Kris Humphries's ball sweat, stale wedding cake crumbs, new Bentley smell, stretched-out Spanx, silver paint, nail polish remover, Botox, Lysol toilet bowl cleaner, cat nip, and lilies.
Kourtney's Fragrance: Fatal Attraction
Top notes with hints of toothpaste (she's got some serious chompers), baby poop, coco butter, lube, and base notes of lowered expectations.
Khloe's Fragrance: Big But Married, Bitches (take that, Kim!)
Kris's Fragrance: I'm Kim Kardashian's Mom!
Water from the River Styx, Carlo Rossi wine, crisp money, the 25th hour in the day, Bruce Jenner's ripped off scrotum, and shamelessness presented in a pimp cup.
Bruce Jenner's Fragrance: Bruce Jenner For Mutants
Essence of old jogging shoes, crushed-up Viagra, broken down bits of his original nose, moth balls, Skeletor's saliva, and top notes of Sleepy Time tea.
Scott Disick's Fragence: American Psycho
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Wafts of hair gel, coconut tanning oil, bits of cashmere, a splash of Ralph Lauren's Big Pony for Men (he'll deal with the copyright lawsuit after he's done...uh...hmm...what does he do all day, exactly?), and the blood of dead prostitutes mixed while listening to "Sports" by Huey Lewis and the News.
Kylie & Kendall Jenner: McKims
A sense of duty, famewhore genes, and puppet strings.