So you caught Liz & Dick, the "Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor" schlockfest of a "comeback project," on Lifetime last night. And maybe you loved it in all its cheesy, terribly acted glory. Maybe you loathed it, but just couldn't look away.
In any case, Lilo's coming back, and you have Brett Easton Ellis to thank. In 2013, Ellis' project The Canyons will be released, with Lohan cast, yet again, as some angst-ridden Hollywood dweller.
The characters in The Canyons talk exactly as you imagine Southern Californians do, and Ellis seems to throw every cheap trick and Hollywood cliche at the wall, including death threats, violence against women, a love triangle, a struggle to get a movie released, and, of course, a flash of Lohan's breast. Even the trailer is hard to watch.
The Canyons is just what we didn't need: another post-modern film in which hotshot celebrities do a terrible job acting, while exploring Los Angeles and Hollywood angst. The movie, which is set to release in 2013, stars Lohan alongside a porn star named James Deen, who doesn't look at all like James Dean. (Leave that job to James Franco, thank you very much.)
Speaking of Franco, if anyone should have been cast in this post modern, is-this-art mind-trip of a movie, it should have been the king of life as performance art himself. But we'll take that up with Ellis on Twitter another time.
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When Ellis writes, he fixates on the abysmal den of iniquity that Los Angeles can be, and the terrible people that the human race churns out. His first novel, Less Than Zero, does exactly that. With an extremely graphic rape scene, the most profane of profanity, and general teen angst, the book tried (and failed) to be the 21st century's Catcher in the Rye.
Now imagine his self-masturbatory writing style, but with LiLo as his leading actress. God save us all.
Not even the ardent, diehard fans and followers of Lohan's career, or the people who think that because Ellis wrote American Psycho anything he touches will be gold, will like this movie. We're not sure this even counts as "so bad it's good." And we loved Miami Connection, so you know the bar is low. There's no way to dress this up or down. This is not good. This should not be watched, but if you insist, please remember that we warned you.