Dancing With The Stars Week Five: Latin Dudes Are Sexy

We had a power outage for a few hours this morning and maybe

it says more about us, but we really couldn't have cared less about the stifling heat or the fear of

all of our refrigerated food going bad.

No, we were far more preoccupied in

getting our sweet DWTS fix.

That's because it's Latin Week, which means salsas, sambas, tangos and uncomfortable, vaguely racist things said to the Hispanic

contestants. Oh, also Sherri Shepherd got kicked off last week. We'll miss you! Sort of!

Jaleel White and Kym kicked things off by samba-ing to some

Gloria Estefan. Remember the rumors that Jaleel was a mean dick to Kym? That,

mixed with last week's awful dance,

has Jaleel feeling sheepish. Oh and everybody can't stop saying "booty shaking."

It isn't as fun as it sounds. They get a 24.

Melissa Gilbert and Maks continued the fun with a salsa. Melissa got a minor concussion and whiplash last week, but that

isn't stopping her! With such brazen disregard for her brain's safety and

concussion research, she should really check with Donald to see if there are

any open spots with the Packers. They also incorporated fruit into the dance,

but what they really should have incorporated was better dancing. They earn a


Maria Menounos and Derek also performed the salsa. Maria

looks sexy in her costume, but to be fair, she is performing after Carlos

Santana, so by comparison a lamppost could have been sexy. She took a

nasty tumble, hitting her chin during practice, so they wrap her in bubble

paper. ABC! The judges award them 27 points.

Katherine Jenkins and Mark Argentine tangoed. We're not

entirely sure what the difference between a regular tango and an Argentine tango. Probably chimichurri sauce.

Katherine repeatedly kicks Mark in the junk accidentally (we think), which will

never cease to be funny. All that potential testicular torsion pays off as they

get a 29.

Gavin DeGraw and Karina performed an awful samba. We want to

emphasize something. Yes, this is a humorous take on DWTS, and as such you would

expect certain things we say are exaggerated for effect. Our hatred of Gavin DeGraw

is not one of those things. He's a piss-poor dancer and seems to be proud of

it, actively acknowledging that the fans will be the only thing keeping him in

the contest. The judges give him a generous 19.

William Levy and Cheryl also Argentine tangoed. And like

clockwork, everyone predicts how great William will do, you know, because he's

Latin. And they're right. Dude crushes it to that Pussycat Dolls song which

apparently now has a pan flute. They earn a 29.

Gladys Knight and Tristan perform a samba. Ok, so Gladys

isn't a great dancer. But look at it like this: she's a busy, older woman

trying her hardest while performing sold-out shows. Now compare that to Gavin,

who is half her age and managed to only get a 19. Gladys and Tristan get a 22,

which is still higher than a 19.

Roshon Fegan and Chelsie try a salsa. Poor Roshon finished

second last week and still managed to be in the bottom two. Dude also spends the

whole time worrying about how to be sexy, finally going to William for advice.

Ultimately, the answer is, "Don't be a teenage Disney star, or at the very least

develop a drug habit." It works! Sort of, gaining the team 26.

Donald Driver and Peta close the evening with an Argentine tango. So far, the Argentine tango has earned the biggest scores of the night

and they are putting in all of the effort. They watch game tape! Like in

football! We're not quite sure how watching a previous dance will prep you for

a new dance but whatever, good hustle! They get a 27, which is a 10, a nine

and an eight, and yet still manages to be disappointing. Hit the showers.

The bottom two are Gavin DeGraw and Gladys Knight. America,

you know what you need to do. See you next week!

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Drew Spears