Ten Things the 2013 Miami Marlins Season Taught Us
Annnnnnnnnnnnnd down the stretch they come! The MLB regular season finish line is near, and you know what that means, Marlins fans:
playoffs 100-loss-season watch! Just fewer than 20 games remain between you and a Marlins free Twitter timeline -- that is, until they trade Giancarlo Stanton in December.
In reality, even though the Marlins must play .500 ball over the last three weeks to avoid a 100-loss season, things could have been a heck of a lot worse. For example, there could be more than three weeks left. Cheer up, because not all was lost during the 2013 Miami Marlins season; some valuable lessons were actually taught. Here are ten things the 2013 Miami Marlins season learned ya.
Jose Fernandez is the real, bubba.
Soon after you read this, Jose Fernandez will have been powered off for the 2013 season, and what a season it was. It may have taken other Marlins sucking and getting injured, but in the end, Fernandez started the season with the big club and was an instant success. Arguably the best pitcher in the NL in the second half, Fernandez never really had a down period this season and is the odds-on favorite to win the NL Rookie of the Year award -- not an easy task the same year a guy named Yasiel Puig bursts on the scene.
Players do not respond to Tino Martinez's coaching, possibly because they are unconscious.
Tino Martinez took the title "hitting coach" to the next level, and as a result, he got fired on his day off harder than Craig ever did stealing boxes. Tino politely suggested players help shag balls during batting practice, and by politely, I mean he would choke the ever-loving shit out of you if you declined his advice. Tino Martinez was like the Marlins' Mel Gibson, super not chill, bro.
The Marlins Home Run sculpture cost more than 88 percent of the 2013 Marlins roster.
Somehow $2.5 million actually feels low when you consider someone had to build this monstrosity from scratch. Every time Giancarlo Stanton looks over at the sculpture, he is reminded it was built for more than five times what he is paid this season.
Jeffrey Loria is somehow getting worse.
We already knew this dude's face sucked, but in 2013 we learned it's only getting worse. Loria forced the Tino Martinez hire on the team, and even amid allegations of player abuse, Loria tried to save Tino Martinez's job. This is going to shock you, but Loria holds a grudge, and he actually vetoed a promotion to the majors for one of the complaining players so he could get revenge. He's all about winning, though, you guys.
Chad Qualls is on the Marlins, and this is how you found out.
It takes a lot for Sports Center to nearly dethrone the "Butt Fumble" from the top of its Not Top Plays segment, but Chad Qualls epic strikeout celebration fail was a true contender when it happened. It turns out Chad Qualls does not play for the Arizona Diamondbacks, and you learned that here.
This is a really real thing the Marlins proved to be capable of, shocking even Marlins fans themselves.
This play represents 2013's rock bottom. At this very moment, you found the line. Two Miami Marlins sliding into the same base, one in the opposite direction of the entire point of baseball, home plate. You learned it can get worse, because it did.
You learned what Giancarlo Stanton looks like naked, and it's exactly how you pictured it would be.
This one was for the ladies; consider us even for all those Kate Upton bouncing-up-and-down-on-a-horse-topless GIFs. Stanton's body is so wildly impossible, even dudes gotta hand it to him -- praise for working out, that is. If there is one muscle we wish Stanton would work on more, it would be his "too cool for school" muscle located in the vicinity of his "shits given" region.
Marcell Ozuna versus Food. Ozuna wins.
Rumor has it Marcell Ozuna ate five In-and-Out burgers prior to driving in the game-tying and winning runs against the Giants, but Ozuna disputes this claim. "Just three," Ozuna said of his burger consumption. "My teammates say five. Today I eat three. Tomorrow I eat four, and the next day five, and [then] we leave for Miami." So other than the professional baseball thing, you on vacation and Marcell Ozuna aren't that much different.
I don't really have anything to add to this.
Not having Heath Bell is definitely the best; let's do that again.
The Marlins paid $8 million and took back a guy named Yordy just so Heath Bell would leave yet somehow won the trade. People tell me this "WAR" statistic is a thing I should care about, and Heath Bell has a negative one, so I know he sucks.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.