The First-Annual III Points Awards

III Points ended less than 24 hours ago, the fire in our dancing shoes still glows hot, and the Red Bull shakes are just now starting to subside. And while it's all still fresh and stinky, let's take this opportunity to dish out some accolades.

Without further ado, we present our first annual III Points Music, Art, and Technology awards ceremony.

(Note: All awards are based on casual observations and are completely subjective as these are the sole opinions of this committee — AKA me.)

Get your nails done while '80s porn plays behind your head.
Get your nails done while '80s porn plays behind your head.
Photo by Alex Markow

Best Art Exhibit: Porn Nails.

The only personal experience I’ve ever had in a nail salon was briefly watching my mom sit in a vinyl chair while she had her cuticles buffed before escorting me on my journey to terrorize a toy store. Still, I think most would agree that just about any manicure would be dramatically improved with hardcore porn playing in the background. In a van. While relaxing on plush throw pillows. Such is the concept behind Porn Nails, a collaboration between Rosemarie Romero, a self-described “Feminist Latinx Artist, Tropi-Goth, & Bruja,” and visual artist Veronica Gessa. As she is not a licensed nail technician, Romero offers her services free of charge, with the real goal in mind to “construct interactive spectacles” and to humorously “explore the aesthetic politics of gender, race, and women's work.” She is, no doubt, nailing her objectives while strangers are getting nailed on screen. (Too many “nail” puns, I know — can’t help it.)

When the weed drone comes at just the right time.
When the weed drone comes at just the right time.
Photo by Alex Markow

Best Use of Technology: Weed Drone Delivery.

I don’t know where Amazon is with their drone delivery technology, but I bet they don’t have anything as innovative or practical as this. Rappers are propelled by weed the way rocket fuel powers shuttles into space. And sometimes, mid-rhyme, you need a hit of the good stuff. But what if your pockets are empty? What to do? Stopping the show is unprofessional. Luckily, Method Man and Redman have pioneered a new technique of futuristic ganja delivery. During their set, a drone dripping in green LED lights delivered blunts to the stage — and then immediately crash-landed when Method Man tugged too hard on its tentacles. Nevertheless, shipment delivered, received, and dutifully enjoyed.

Flying Lotus at Main Frame.
Flying Lotus at Main Frame.
Photo by Alex Markow

Best Stage: Main Frame.

The competition for Best Stage was fierce. Honestly, the folks behind III Points have done a fine job cultivating the roster for each stage so that every one of them had a unique personality. In the end it came down to Main Frame, Mind Melt, and Sector 3. Mind Melt, the outdoor stage, featured M83, Junior Boys, and Thievery Corporation, but was disqualified on a technicality since it hadn’t even been built until Saturday morning. Sector 3, while a haven for local bands and new discoveries, just didn’t have the star power or the WTF factor that Main Frame did. Between Chrome Sparks, Denzel Curry, Flying Lotus, Poorgrrrl, Method Man and Redman, Vince Staples, and the almighty win of indoor air conditioning, Main Frame best exemplified the III Points' ambition to be the alternative to the usual music festival.

Say what you want about Poorgrrrl — she keeps things interesting.
Say what you want about Poorgrrrl — she keeps things interesting.
Photo by Alex Markow

Best WTF Act: Poorgrrrl.

Always Poorgrrrl. While our paper has made no secret about its fascination with performance artist Tara Long — the very normal-sounding name of the musician known as Poorgrrrl — it’s safe to say not everyone is convinced she’s the future of the Miami music scene. Look, it’s not that she’s bad — or good, for that matter — she's just an enigma. I think that's the point. More than once during her set, I said, out loud, “What in the actual fuck?” over the drone of her deadpan rapping accompanied by a gang of sedated dancers. The performance-art-meets-pussy-poppin’-power-project is a weird one, for sure. From the risqué lyrics to the giant creeping dancers dressed in all white, lumbering around like a pack of drunken cultists, Poorgrrrl is certainly an act not to be missed — even if you're not quite sure what you're watching.

We love you, pineapple dude.EXPAND
We love you, pineapple dude.

Best Use of a Random Fruit: Pineapple Man.

Sadly, we didn't get a photo of the pineapple man. Or maybe that's for the best, as photographic evidence would only spoil the purity of his inner fruitiness. But on Saturday, there was one man standing tall, right arm raised triumphantly in the air holding a pineapple for absolutely no good reason. As far as we can make out, the only sensible explanation is that it was in honor of Gary Richards, better known as Destructo and the founder of HARD events. Fun fact: Richards did not play III Points nor was he involved in any way in the construction of this fest. So unless the pineapple partier thinks this is an EDM thing (which it’s not), raving with fruit is a lonely experience all his own.

Trick loves the kids.
Trick loves the kids.
Photo by Alex Markow

Best Surprise Act: Trick Daddy.

He bitched about the Miami Hurricanes losing to “soft-ass FSU.” He said he had “some niggas lookin’ for Tannehill’s ass.” He offered — and paid — two women $100 each to make out on stage (his name is a synonym for “pimp,” after all.) You know what else he did? He came through for his hometown. III Points was in a pinch after Earl Sweatshirt missed his flight to Miami and had to cancel last minute. So in stepped the Liberty City native, armed with a beer belly, a shirtless sidekick, and a fire collection of classic 305 rap including the hits “I’m a Thug,” “Nann Nigga,” and “Shut Up.” It wasn’t a full-blown concert, as he performed only snippets of each song, but it was enough to get attendees pumped for scheduled performances by Cam’ron and Denzel Curry.

III Points agrees: Fuck Trump.EXPAND
III Points agrees: Fuck Trump.
Photo by Karli Evans

Best Anti-Trump Message: Claudia La Bianca.

There was no shortage of anti-Trump sentiment this weekend from artists and fans alike. Several musicians took to the mic to express their disgust with Mr. Trump — AKA Pumpkinhead Hitler — but perhaps my favorite rally against the tax-evading serial liar and xenophobic misogynist was a piece created on festival grounds by filmmaker and street artist Claudia La Bianca. In it, a nude, pink-haired woman (faintly reminiscent of a mermaid), draped against the American flag, covers the area between her legs Trump so gleefully brags about violating. Beneath her a message reads: “I grab my own pussy. Fuck Trump.” Amen, sister.

Can you believe not one of these people fell off and broke a leg?
Can you believe not one of these people fell off and broke a leg?
Photo by Alex Markow

Best Behaved Fans: All of You.

Guys, you fucking did it. I don’t know how, but you did. There were no major medical emergencies (I asked the onsite paramedics to double check), no drunken brawls, no one falling off the III Points bus, and not a single headfirst trip-and-fall over the bolts jutting out of the ground that held some of the food and drink tents in place. Oh, and that whole recording-every-goddamn-second-of-a-show-you’ll-never-watch-again crap that the younger generations so love was, surprisingly, largely absent. People snapped a few shots, a couple of seconds of video, then politely put away their phones like human beings enjoying a real-life experience. There were, of course, a few outliers. But otherwise, kudos. Let’s make this a regular thing. Please.

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