Express your unpopular opinion. That Twitter hashtag gave me the courage to admit the unthinkable: I really hate brunch.
OK, I know what you're thinking. Whenever I admit this to someone, I'm confronted with looks of disbelief and the follow-up question, "Do you hate puppies?" Though I dressed up as Cruella de Vil for Halloween three years in a row, I promise. I do not hate puppies.
Brunch is just an awful meal -- and its unbelievably overrated. So before the weekend starts, I want to arm you with the facts. There is life outside of those pricey brunch buffets and bottomless pits of watered-down mimosas.
See also: Ten Valentine's Day Dinners in Miami Under $100 per Person
5. It's a waste of time.
Usually, you go to brunch with friends and/or family, and this requires planning a set time. A call or text the night before seems simple enough. The problem? One person in every group will have a crazy night and be hungover. There will be another person who will wake up early, workout, feel great, and then be hangry by the time brunch rolls around. Fact: These two people do not play nicely together.
It's also likely that the time they agreed upon is the same time everyone else agreed upon. That means you will probably have to wait for a table. Waiting while hangry or hungover has disaster written all over it.
Thankfully, unlike other cities, Miami restaurants rarely have wait times. But if they do, they're so spread out that you can't go somewhere else without driving. Because, really, who wants to wait an hour for a table when it's hot outside and you are hungover and/or hangry?
4. The drinks are weak.
Some say that brunch is just breakfast with booze. And though I'm an enormous fan of day drinking, mimosas and Bloody Marys are for amateurs. There are fantastic, affordable sparkling wines that don't require O.J. There are Bloody Mary variations -- like the red snapper -- that put conventional Bloody Marys to shame.
But at brunch, only mimosas and Bloody Marys are offered in bottomless quantities. To make matters worse, bottomless bevys are either weak or come with endless stipulations. They might only be available for a window of time or with the purchase of an entree.
My suggestion? Make a three-egg omelet at home, grab a bottle of booze, and go sit on your backyard. If you're craving socialization in the early hours of the day, then head to a bar where the early birds are always novel-worthy. There, you can indulge in real morning drinks -- ones with egg whites that'll make you feel like a drunk Rocky. Think gin fizz. Or maybe a whiskey sour.
3. There are children everywhere.
Just to be clear, I like puppies -- and I also love your kids. Honestly, I really do. But for those of us who had a wild Saturday night, they're a lot to take in before our morning coffee. They also make people feel guilty or inappropriate about sharing their crazy, drunken stories.
The worst part? Crying, screaming children may be frowned upon at dinner, but in the morning and afternoon, this sort of acting out is perfectly acceptable. There's no bedtime coming anytime soon. They own this time of day.
If you're fortunate enough to get a seat outside in the fresh air, this can make the crying a lot more tolerable. However, if you're stuck inside a packed dining room, I recommend Advil. And a flask.
2. The food is mediocre and it's overpriced.
Ah, brunch food. You seriously can't win. If you order a la carte, you realize that you actually want a bit of everything: Eggs, bacon, and pancakes, perhaps. The problem is that you normally can't have a bit of everything in one dish. Most brunch place don't have Denny's-like combo options, so you have to stick to either the savory or sweet side of the menu. And seriously, who's satisfied with a full stack of pancakes? Don't you want other sides, a little variety? About those sides: They'll really add up on your bill.
Buffet brunches seem like a great solution. But they're expensive, and come on, an omelet station really isn't that impressive. In order to justify the money you just spent on this $50 to $100 endless feast, you force yourself to consume outrageous amounts of sausage, bacon, lox, and crab cakes. Even then, it's hard to get your money's worth.
You can make it all at home for a fraction of the price. A dozen eggs makes four three-egg omelets, and it'll only cost two bucks!
1. You have to be around "Sunday Funday" people.
Brunch is a melting pot of morning people: the hungover folks who need bacon and those busy bees that work hard all week then use brunch as an escape. I get it.
This mixture of people, however, doesn't always meld well.
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While you're waiting for your cup of coffee, your neighbors will be gossiping, taking selfies, and tweeting out the hashtag #sundayfunday. What's worse, they might even ask you to take their picture.
The folks who ran five miles will "indulge" in an egg white omelet with spinach and tomato slices, which will make you feel guilty about your sausage platter. Sure, there will be other sorts of people there. But at brunch, everyone is louder. The restaurant is packed. And you are acutely aware of how annoying everyone can be. So please, can someone hand me a real drink?
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