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Six Reasons to Never Have Sex With a DJ

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Author's Note: I am a heterosexual woman and therefore can only speak on the subject of sleeping with male DJs. I don't claim that these deal breakers apply to female DJs (of which there are plenty, you sexist prick). I now revert to strict use of male pronouns. Special thanks to the fellas who made this post possible. In the end, you were worth something.

Calm down, party girl/boy. Before you go flaunting your shiz in the face of the selector, think about what you're really getting yourself into.

Sure, dating (or even just fucking) a DJ seems like it would be a perk-filled romp through Awesomeville's romance district. Your new beau will not only shower you with ego-stroking affection, but (s)he comes with an endless playlist of sick tunes, free drinks, free drugs, VIP access, and the ability to skip any line imaginable.

Well, you can stop right there. Because even if you get any one of those things up front, you can pretty much bet that it's going to end badly. Then you're going to feel like an idiot and a prostitute. How do we know? We've been there. Learn from our mistakes.

6. He Got Into This for One Reason: Free Pussy

We were watching the incredibly fantastic film High Fidelity and LOL-ed when we heard the main character relate how he met main love interest Laura while DJing. He says something like "picking up interesting girls is kind of the whole point of the DJ thing in the first place." It's true. More likely than not, your DJ beau grew up a nerdy target for jocks, and now he's living out his wildest dreams of actually being one of the cool kids. There is always some groupie whore right around the corner with giant puppy eyes and a mouth ready to suck up every last inch of almost-famous cock in the world. This is a battle you can't win. Your feelings don't measure up to groupie competition. Don't let him turn you into one of them.

5. His Inflated Ego Is Only a Mask for a Really Sad Soul

You wouldn't believe how many DJs cry about their lives when no one else is around. Don't forget, this is Revenge of the Nerds time, and they are probably still holding on to a lot of feelings of inferiority. It's true what they say, you can't love someone until you love yourself, and your mother was right, you can't fix him. Even if it feels serious, he'll eventually hit that point where his bitterness kicks in and he sabotages the whole relationship anyway. You're wasting your time.

4. He More Than Likely Has a Substance-Abuse Problem and Is Bad With Money

Some of the successful DJs stop partying so hard, but some of them are just raging alcoholics. Even the local DJs you sleep with will end up spending more money on coke than romantic dinners for two. And remember, they got into this because having a real job is obviously terrible and means they've given up on their childhood dreams of being a rock star. (Never grow up, never surrender.) If they're rich now, they're probably going to spend it all on sneakers or drugs or equipment (because they are all obsessed with gear), and unless they change names and genres and ride the fickle craze wave like a scene prophet for the next 30 years (unlikely), they're eventually going to end up broke. And they didn't go to college.

3. No One Wants to Go Out That Much, It Gets Real Old Real Fast

Whether or not your DJ beau gets steady gigs, you can be sure he has a revolving schedule of places to be for every day of the week. If you hope to stand a chance against the endless horde of early 20-somethings waving their empty heads and Forever 21-clad asses in his face, you're going to have to stand in the DJ booth next to him. It's fun at first, but after a while, you want to burn all your heels and spend the rest of your life sleeping. He won't be stoked when his party-ready babe turns into a real woman with responsibilities and grown-ass clothing, and he'll end up drunk enough to one day sneak away with some slut. That, or you develop a substance-abuse problem of your own, and that's no fun either.

2. You Will Be Haunted by Him...Forever

If he's relatively successful, your first thought might be, "Wow, this is so cool. I've never crushed on someone who I can watch on YouTube or look up on Wikipedia before. It's kind of like we're always together." But inevitably, he reveals himself to be a selfish, disrespectful sack of human garbage, and you decide that you're never touching his penis again. But that's not the end of it! Even with local DJs, you're going to find yourself wandering the streets and suddenly — BAM! — his stupid DJ name is on some fucking flyer stuck to your car window, his face is on someone's t-shirt, or some drunk asshole at a party will be like, "Didn't you fuck so-and-so?" Even as we write this, some douchebag man-child we used to fornicate with appears in some news ticker, mocking us. Some mistakes never die.

1. No Bath in the World Will Keep You From Feeling Like a Dirty Trick

Unless you're actually a groupie (how do you girls sleep at night?), you're going to feel really abused when this is all over. You were young, you thought he was being sincere, but you were just naïve. Save yourself the hassle and just start turning DJs down. Tell them it's because they're DJs. It's way more fun to see the look of wonder and disappointment on their faces when you brush them off than to face the dehumanizing feels you'll have when it's all said and done. Trust us. They can take it.

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