Six Reasons to Never Have Sex With a DJ

Author's Note: I am a heterosexual woman and therefore can only speak on the subject of sleeping with male DJs. I don't claim that these deal breakers apply to female DJs (of which there are plenty, you sexist prick). I now revert to strict use of male pronouns. Special thanks to the fellas who made this post possible. In the end, you were worth something.

Calm down, party girl/boy. Before you go flaunting your shiz in the face of the selector, think about what you're really getting yourself into.

Sure, dating (or even just fucking) a DJ seems like it would be a perk-filled romp through Awesomeville's romance district. Your new beau will not only shower you with ego-stroking affection, but (s)he comes with an endless playlist of sick tunes, free drinks, free drugs, VIP access, and the ability to skip any line imaginable.

Well, you can stop right there. Because even if you get any one of those things up front, you can pretty much bet that it's going to end badly. Then you're going to feel like an idiot and a prostitute. How do we know? We've been there. Learn from our mistakes.

6. He Got Into This for One Reason: Free Pussy

We were watching the incredibly fantastic film High Fidelity and LOL-ed when we heard the main character relate how he met main love interest Laura while DJing. He says something like "picking up interesting girls is kind of the whole point of the DJ thing in the first place." It's true. More likely than not, your DJ beau grew up a nerdy target for jocks, and now he's living out his wildest dreams of actually being one of the cool kids. There is always some groupie whore right around the corner with giant puppy eyes and a mouth ready to suck up every last inch of almost-famous cock in the world. This is a battle you can't win. Your feelings don't measure up to groupie competition. Don't let him turn you into one of them.

5. His Inflated Ego Is Only a Mask for a Really Sad Soul

You wouldn't believe how many DJs cry about their lives when no one else is around. Don't forget, this is Revenge of the Nerds time, and they are probably still holding on to a lot of feelings of inferiority. It's true what they say, you can't love someone until you love yourself, and your mother was right, you can't fix him. Even if it feels serious, he'll eventually hit that point where his bitterness kicks in and he sabotages the whole relationship anyway. You're wasting your time.

4. He More Than Likely Has a Substance-Abuse Problem and Is Bad With Money

Some of the successful DJs stop partying so hard, but some of them are just raging alcoholics. Even the local DJs you sleep with will end up spending more money on coke than romantic dinners for two. And remember, they got into this because having a real job is obviously terrible and means they've given up on their childhood dreams of being a rock star. (Never grow up, never surrender.) If they're rich now, they're probably going to spend it all on sneakers or drugs or equipment (because they are all obsessed with gear), and unless they change names and genres and ride the fickle craze wave like a scene prophet for the next 30 years (unlikely), they're eventually going to end up broke. And they didn't go to college.

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Kat Bein is a freelance writer and has been described as this publication’s "senior millennial correspondent." She has an impressive, if unhealthy, knowledge of all things pop culture.