| Sports |

Six Reasons Miami Needs an Ultimate Taser Ball League

Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Miami and help keep the future of New Times free.

Prepare to be shocked.

No, seriously. If you're interested in playing Ultimate Taser Ball -- and you should be, because according to its website, it's "the future of sport" -- you literally need to be ready to be electrocuted at any time.

When we discovered a promo video for taser ball yesterday, we couldn't believe our eyes. Not because dudes were stupid enough to introduce tasers into their backyard pick-up games -- we already knew a lot of dudes are stupid. We just couldn't believe the game hadn't made it to South Florida yet. This is, after all, the capital of bizarre, idiotic antics. How was Miami not the birthplace of UTB, let alone one of its franchising cities?

Clearly, we need to rectify the situation. Miami is the perfect taser ball town. So read on, masochistic athletes, and be inspired.

Watch the video above. Clearly, taser ball isn't about the tasers. It's about the douchebags getting tased. And when it comes to douchebags, Miami out-bros any other city in America. Douchebags would be Miami's number one export, if only we could get them to leave. But since we can't, this is the next best thing.

With its diverse, international population, Miami might just love soccer more than any other U.S. city. Taser ball is just like soccer -- teams compete to put a black-and-white checked ball into their opponents' net -- but with tasers. If we put it on tv, we could call it The Soccer-Playing Douchebag Electrocution Show. Don't even pretend you wouldn't watch that.

The Economy
Y'know who wasn't named the most miserable city in America this year? L.A., Philly, Toronto, or San Diego. Those also happen to be cities with UTB franchises. Coincidence? We think not.

The San Diego Spartans. The L.A. Nightlights. When it comes to naming their teams, other cities have clearly taken a taser to the skull one too many times -- leaving Miami a great opportunity to win fans and support with a kick-ass name. The Miami Megawatts? The Magic City Shockers? We invite your own suggestions in the comments.

There are no cheerleaders in UTB, you say? Miami doesn't care -- just ask the Marlins or the Panthers. This city will attach a pack of writhing, scantily clad women to damn near anything. And isn't that reason enough to let a bunch of guys tase each other for sport?

We've saved the most obvious reason for last. It's tasers, guys. People being tased is always funny -- the difference is that now, we don't have to wait for bored reporters or episodes of Cops to do it for us. We can hire a bunch of half-witted, brawny bros to subject themselves to it for our own amusement. Seriously, what are we waiting for?

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.