The Real Housewives of Miami -- or what we like to think of as the televised equivalent of an amuse-gueule (thanks, Top Chef) for the new season of The Real Housewives of New York -- is about to wrap with a live reunion on Watch What Happens Live! tonight at 9 p.m. So, bust out the cheapest bottle of on-sale wine you can find at your neighborhood pharmacy (in honor of Elsa), because you're going to have to get pretty plastered to make it through this mess of predictability.
This reunion's going to pumped full of so much unsurprising drama -- Lea's charity vs. Cristy, Lea + Larsa vs. Lea's wardrobe, Larsa vs. nannies, Alexia vs. Hialeah, Adiranna vs. her crotch -- that you can practically invent a drinking game out of it. Hey, great idea! See the rules on the next page...
• The cheapest, on-sale wine you can find
• A shot glass
• A Caucasian child from Hialeah with aspirations of becoming a nanny
• A live pig
• A syringe full of collagen dermal filler
• A push-up bra
• Rick Ross
• A bag full of Tinkerbell's fairy dust
• A bouquet of paper flowers
Take A Shot of Wine Whenever....
• Alexia butchers the English language with a grammatically incorrect sentence (this alone should get you pretty tanked).
• Cristy misuses the term in good faith or is verbally attacked by the other girls and meekly responds with a toothy smile and nervously shifting eyes. (Take two shots if Larsa takes it upon herself to defend Cristy).
• Adrianna attempts to be sexy but fails miserably.
• Larsa says the words cute (or uncute).
• Elsa (if she shows) rolls her RrRRrrRrrrRrRrrRs or pronounces her y's as j's.
• Marysol looks like she's holding in a fart but is really biting her tongue.
• Every time you hear the words gala, charity, hola, Cuban, ten thousand dollars, hooker, Venue, witch, bitch, Elsa, or Scottie Pippen.
• Adrianna complains about money or her ex husband, Mr. Deadbeat.
• One of the hairs atop of Lea's head goes awry.
• One of Andy Cohen's eyes goes awry.
Hold the wine bottle up to your lips and chug whenever...
• Larsa or Cristy speaks.
• There's a montage dedicated to Alexia's questionable parenting skills and her response is "That's how it is in Miami".
• Whenever Andy Cohen attempts to speak Spanish.
• A caller calls in to coyly ask how Elsa stays so "youthful".
• Adrianna claims to have a healthy relationship with her fiancé.
• They decide who actually had the best cooking class/luncheon.
Give a shot to a caucasian child from Hialeah with aspirations of becoming a nanny whenever....
• Elsa says the word "gringo"
• There's a montage dedicated to Larsa's nanny issues.
• They discuss Miami's outrage over Alexia's Hialeah comments.
Fly over a rainbow atop of a magical unicorn whenever....
• You actually find a caucasian child from Hialeah with aspirations of becoming a nanny because most likely they don't exist. And neither do unicorns...well, unless they're shape-shifters.
Put a pig in a pair of Spanx whenever...
• Alexia confronts Cristy about Cristy's "Alexia's so much BIGGER than little ole petit me" comments from the fashion show episode.
• Cristy defends the people of Hialeah not because she actually cares about the people of Hialeah, but because she dislikes Alexia.
Give the pig in Spanx a shot whenever...
• You see Alexia's husband do something
hilariously brutal to a pig's carcass.
Stab yourself in the face with a syringe full of collagen dermal filler whenever....
• Marysol attempts to give another girl a shank-like side-eye but is unable to do so because of all the Botox.
• Marysol confronts Lea about her "I didn't know he needed a Visa" comment.
• Marysol confronts Larsa about her "your mom is a bitch" comment.
• Elsa's lips finally slip off her chin.
Put the drunk pig in Spanx in a push-up bra whenever...
• You catch a glimpse of Lea's wily (and often sad-looking) cleavage.
Punch Rick Ross in the nuts whenever...
• His face pops on screen.
Snort a line of Tinkerbell's fairy dust whenever...
• Lea is decked out in some kind of Alice in Wonderland/Lady Gaga outfit.
• Lea mentions her charity gala.
• Lea attacks Cristy.
• Lea name-drops.
• Lea displays nothing but utmost respect for people less fortunate than her (i.e. her motivational speech in episode 5).
• Lea speaks crazinese - the language of batshit nuts (i.e. anything about Madonna, dancing with men until 2 A.M.!!!!!, wearing gloves and silly hats to a farm in Homestead, how she tries on clothing, or Tinkerbell).
• Adrianna pretends to know something about art.
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• Lea longingly looks over at Adrianna and begins to lactate out of pure excitement.
• Larsa or Cristy speaks.
Sniff the sweet, sweet aroma of paper flowers whenever....
• Elsa tells Andy that he is really capable of love after all.
• Elsa reads someone's energy.
• Elsa wins whatever poll they have on Watch What Happens Live!