Film & TV

Real Housewives of Miami Reunion: One Bitchy Train Wreck

Just like pilgrims descending from the Mayflower onto American soil, The Real Housewives of Miami broke ground last night by being the first housewives cast to have a live reunion. The result felt something like The View on crack. What pioneers!

But, we have to admit, the live format seemed to bring out way more drama in just an hour than six slow-paced episodes, so let's jump right into this re-cap. (Anyone play our drinking game?) Andy Cohen started out the reunion by mentioning the charity fiasco. And just like that, the gloves were off.

Lea (read our interview with Ms. Black here) starts swiping her claws at Cristy by claiming she RSVP'd late for her charity gala and Cristy slap-hit Lea back by claiming that the gala scene was shot during the first day of filming so she didn't think skipping out on a 10k entrance fee was a big deal. (Read our interview with Cristy here.)

Cristy then follows up her last verbal hook with a swift teethbutt to Lea's ego by reminding her that she did eventually pay the money she owed and it's time to drop it. Lea then farts out that Cristy brought two guests along with her and only paid for two tickets, not three.

Then Adrianna jumps off the ropes of this metaphorical verbal-bitch-slapping ring with as much hammy, spotlight-humping gusto as a 'roided up WWE wrestler, and gets involved for the sole reason of getting more air time.

And why shouldn't the cameras focus on Adrianna? If they had, then the show would've been much more successful. "Bigger than Beverly Hills!" Adrianna claims. And Lea agrees. Then Lea begins to lactate out of pure love for Adrianna.

Next Cristy gets mad at Alexia for calling her and Larsa "breeders" although Alexia never called her or Larsa a breeder, Andy did. But that doesn't stop the two of them from engaging in a henhouse cage match of words that no one could possibly understand except for the righteous voices inside of their heads, because both women were screaming over one another.

Then we see some footage of Marysol's wedding. Marysol begins to get teary eyed but says she doesn't understand why footage of her wedding makes her so emotio- what is that word...Marysol does not compute.

Andy then asks Marysol how she felt about Lea's comment that her husband only married her for a Visa.

Marysol said it initially hurt, but no big. Then, as we all chugged the cheapest on-sale bottle of wine we could find, Andy reads a viewers' question aloud to Marysol, asking her what kind of work her mother's had done.
And you know what, people? Marysol works! She doesn't know what people get done during doctors' office hours because Marysol has more important matters to concern herself with like dusting the Jetson's home, and telling Pee Wee the secret word for the day, and fighting Optimus Prime.

Then Marysol discussed her DIU: it happened on her birthday while driving home with her husband and the whole experience totally sucked (which 80% 40% of Miamians could probably back her up on). She also adds that Elsa was unfairly arrested for DUI months earlier while sitting in a parked car with its lights on and was accused of being drunk because she's almost 99 and a half and her leg was shaking.

(See smoking hot photos of young Elsa here.)

Then we go to commercial, come back, and Adrianna is screaming about how Cristy looks like a man and the only reason Cristy thinks she's hot is because of her abs. Then Adrianna's spews out a string of words that are muted. When her rant-o-ridiculousness becomes audible again, we hear something that kind of sounds like Cristy gave a 19-year-old Zumba instructor a blow job (?!!!?).

After that sweet smidgen of slander, Adrianna questions why Cristy Rice still uses the name Cristy Rice. She's not married to Glenn Rice anymore so it's kind of like living off of someone else's glory. Why not change her name back to her birth name, Christina Fernandez?

Because, Adrianna, if Christy does that, no one will know she was once married to Glenn Rice. Duh.

Then Bravo plays our favorite clip of the night: Larsa's montage of vanity. Larsa, being the emotionally mature lady that she is, tries to act like she's really not that full of herself. She's beautiful, Andy's beautiful, and Larsa's just a happy, positive person full of compliments. When it seems like she's nice to your face and then talks shit about you behind your back to a recording device that will later air the footage of her talking trash behind your back to a national audience, she wasn't really talking smack, she was joking around! You guys just don't get her personality. Right, Lea?

Lea: ........................

Larsa: Lea, don't I joke about everything?

: .........................

Larsa: Right???!!!!?!?!

Lea:.....When I joke about things you call me rude.

Taking the high road as always, Larsa blames the whole showdown between her and Elsa on Elsa being a drunk, old coot that Marysol should have been tasering whenever the witch got out of line.

This crosses a few of Marysol's wires and as the PR-Bot 2000 known as Marysol begins to short circuit, the collegen-cyborg claims that Larsa said a lot of really nasty things about Elsa during filming that Marysol had to beg producers to edit out. Larsa claims they heavily edited Elsa at Marysol's frozen fish bag infomercial party and that's why the whole night went belly up.

Andy then attempts to muzzle these rabid bitches with more commercials, but when we return, he informs us that during the break Marysol claimed that Larsa lies about her financial situation and in an equally believable lie that is not a bratty knee-jerk reaction to Marysol's accusation whatsoever Larsa said that Marysol is as old as her mother and both are obsessed with plastic surgery. Then, without a beat, Larsa looks all doe-eyed into the camera, bats her eyes, and starts whipping up a warm, steaming plate of sweetie pie.

Then another full-contact pillow fight of the words erupts shortly after Andy confronts Alexia about her Hialeah comment. Alexia corrects herself and said that she didn't mean to call the people of Hialeah "lower people" but meant to explain demographics and was referring to them as "lower social economic people"...which is so much better.

And although Alexia busts out the whole "my comments were taken out of context" card (and shouldn't that card be null and void for all members of the media?), she "did" apologize and took responsibility for saying what she said which, in a way, was sort of refreshing.

Then Cristy gets us back on track by getting all up in a hissy because she has family in Hialeah and Alexia's comments were hurtful. But, Alexia has family in Hialeah too! Her husband was even the Vice Mayor making Alexia's comment about Hialeah seem even more idiotic.

The girls continue fighting into the commercial break. Adrianna keeps on getting bleeped out. Andy, in a cross-eyed frenzy keeps on reminding everyone they're on live TV.

Lea tries to be the anti-Smokey the Bear by attempting to start one last fire by accusing Larsa of being charming to peoples' faces but mean behind their backs but the show ends before that spark contributes to the inferno of insanity we've been craving all season.

Good work, ladies and bravo, Bravo: all of these women now sincerely hate one another all for the sake of our cynical entertainment. God bless reality TV! Now give us what we really want -- more Elsa.

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Elyse Wanshel
Contact: Elyse Wanshel