Well, ladies and gents, we have made it to the season finale ofReal Housewives of Miami
, season three. And you know what that means? We haven't been canceled... yet.
Last night, we didn't just get the final episode; Bravo gave us a back-to-back RHOM event, with Joanna's bachelorette extravaganza airing Sunday evening. What happened? Let's see if we can sum it up: the ladies (sans Marysol or Ana) headed to Las Vegas, they stayed at the Palms, Lisa got the whitest of white girl wasted, and of course, strippers were there. And yep, there you have it. Now, let's get to Monday night.
We meet back up with the ladies in Vegas. We see a very Hangover-like scenario: blow-up dolls, boas in the hot tub, booze bottles everywhere, etc. How did they get like that? We aren't sure. None of the party madness was shown, so you have to ask: was it staged? We couldn't get Andy Cohen on the phone by the time of this review (or ever) so we are going to pretend it was real.
From that debauched suite, what proceeds to happen is all of your favorite wedding movie cliches: they miss their flight and have to get to San Diego before rehearsal dinner. Oh no! What to do? The drama....
So the girls grab a rental car and are on their way. Be sure to put your tissues and Xanax down because they arrive perfectly on time and in full hair and makeup. Again, how did this happen? We are just ignoring the details at this point. But not too many details, because each and every wedding vendor gets a shout-out on camera. Must be nice to have your entire soiree paid for.
With a sigh of relief and a frustrated "finally," it's time for Joanna and Romain's big day after six years of dating. The preparations start at the rehearsal dinner, of course. But the wedding day isn't what is on the menu: it's lots of juicy new details. Where to begin? Adrianna apologizes to Joanna's mother for a couple of mean retweets. (Old people and Twitter, we swear.)
Then, it was time for Lisa's big confession: she and Lenny have found a surrogate for their child. Sure, it isn't her dream baby scenario, but she will sure look cute with a Gucci-clad nugget on her hip. But perhaps the biggest bit of info came from Mrs. Lea Black herself. Perhaps, we should just quote her: "If I never saw Adriana again in my life, it would be for the better. That is the truth." Wow. Glad that is out of the way.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
And through all the BS, it was time for two of the hottest people in Miami to become one. There was Joanna's drag queen-like gown, an appearance by Karent Sierra's huge teeth, and most importantly, lots of love. No one even got slapped. All in all, a beautiful day.
Now, let's get ready for a two-part reunion. From what we've been hearing, it's a real bitchfest. Start preparing now!
Send your story tips to Cultist at firstname.lastname@example.org.