It's true what they say: all ladies dream of their wedding day. The white dress, friends and family, B12 shots in the ass, multiple outfit changes, running two hours late.
Oh wait -- that's Adriana de Moura's wedding day. Sorry, we are getting ahead of ourselves.
Since episode one of Real Housewives of Miami, we have heard of this grand affair, straight from the mouth of de Moura. Finally, the day had arrived, both for Adriana and for us, the viewers. But before we could actually see what went down at The Biltmore, we caught up with the D-list gals for a beach day.
That 'D,' by the way, stands for "disinvited." Lea and Joanna did not get their save-the-dates to Adriana's epic wedding affair, but after seeing this episode, I can't imagine they are too upset about that. Perhaps the most special moment was getting reintroduced to Lea Black and her impeccable fashion sense. No one gives us Erika Badu realness in a turban like that woman right there. Much respect, Black.
Oh and even more respect for her closet that is literally the size of our apartment. Actually, maybe it's larger.
Here's a little advice for all future brides: It takes more than one or two hours to get ready. Who learned this the hard way? Miss --er, now Mrs. -- Adriana. Getting ready for a wedding at 2 p.m. with a wedding at 6 p.m. is less than a good idea. But on that same note, when things do get down to the wire, just follow in the footsteps of Marysol Patton and have a "cocky" also known as cocktail. Maybe even two... or four.
So at 5:10 p.m., Adriana still had on her facemask and wet hair. What we love is that the minister truthfully threatened that she was starting at 6:05 p.m. with or without her. Preach on!
Let's be honest: we all knew that a 6:05 start time just wasn't happening. So at 6:55 p.m., she was ready to arrive looking all kinds of wedding wonderful. Only problem was that her veil wasn't to her liking. Is this not something you try on before walking down the aisle? Apparently not. So what do you do in a time of trouble? Just rip it - which is exactly what she did. Hot mess incident #19430.
But we will say this: once the big extravaganza was said and done, it was truly a beautiful day. Her son walked her down the aisle. Her dress was stunning. And their guests' first look was the whitest of white. Then it was time for the one thing we all really go to weddings for: the reception.
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But first, Adriana's guests had to change into their mandatory second Great Gatsby themed ensembles in the backseat of their cars, as did the lades of the ceremony. This took Lisa Hochstein about 20 minutes. The other gals? Just a casual two hours. By the time those hussies were done getting ready, a good amount of guests had thrown in the towel -- Dr. Hochstein being one of them. Luckily, he took his tired ass back to the table and had his wedding meal, which, let's be honest, was cold cold.
Let us sum up the ceremony in a couple of moments: visually beautiful, opera singers, Adriana's drag queen-like gown, a terrible champagne sabrage and a party that, when all was said and done, seemed like a good time.
So, if we learned one thing from this ceremony, it would be this: Miami time is one thing. Real Housewives time is another. Andy Cohen, it's time you invested in some watches for these bitches.