Dancing With the Stars Week Six: Chaz Tangos to "The Phantom of the Opera"

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After a week absence, we our back in the saddle with this

week's Dancing With the Stars recap. Where were we last week? Our DVR messed up

and didn't record, most likely rejecting the theme of '80s week as if it were a

surgical malady. Or perhaps our DVR knew we weren't strong enough to watch

Carson Kressley be eliminated. (Goodbye Carson, tell Jai Rodriguez "hi" for


Luckily we have been blessed with a week of Broadway-themed dances,

penance most likely by some ABC executive for making us put up with a Tim Allen

comeback. Fingers crossed that Nancy Grace will be dressed up like a feline from Cats!

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl cha-cha to "Walk Like a Man" from

Jersey Boys. But first, can we talk about that number from the Sister Act

musical? More specifically, why they chose to make Sister Act and not Ghost

into a Whoopi Goldberg musical? We want Whoopi to be on Dancing With the Stars,

mostly to see if physical activity causes her to push her glasses up from the

edge of her nose. (You're an Oscar winner Whoopi, wear your glasses correctly.)

We didn't pay much attention to Rob Kardashian, which he's probably used to at

this point in his life. They get a 22.

Nancy Grace and Tristan foxtrot to "Always Look on the

Bright Side of Life" from Spamalot. Spamalot is a perfect fit because when we

think of who has a great sense of humor and best personifies Monty Python's biting satire, we think Nancy Grace. During practice Nancy and Tristan argue

and bicker over whether the choreography is too hard. It's just like the "Dead

Parrot" sketch, Nancy's a total John Cleese!  They "earn" a 24.

David Arquette and Kym quickstep to "We Go Together" from

Grease. It's crazy how Grease became a hugely popular show with kids

considering how risqué it is. Did you know they refer to their cars as Pussy

Wagons in "Grease Lightning"? David is excited about getting to do Jazz Hands

this week. Their cute dance gets a 23. Who knows, maybe a 23 is good enough for

Courtney Cox to take David back (Spoiler: it isn't!)

Ricki Lake and Derek quickstep to "Luck Be A Lady" from Guys

and Dolls. There's nothing bitchy to say about the dance, which is nearly

flawless and Guys and Dolls is one of the best shows ever so instead let's say

something mean about Ricki's dress. We know its autumn but bronze isn't a

flattering color for you. 29! (Minus one point for the ugly dress)

Chaz Bono and Lacey tango to the titular song from Phantom

of the Opera. Shocker, it's awful, probably because Chaz wore the Phantom mask.

At this point all we really just want Chaz to stick around long enough to wear

a silly, oversized six-button suit with giant lapels like Steve Harvey would.

Chaz brags about seeing Phantom three times. That's a shockingly low number of

times to see your favorite show, Chaz! Don't say that or you may lose your LGBT

support. Quick, brag about seeing Godspell 30 times! They walk away with a 19.

Hope Solo and Maks rumba to Rent's "Seasons of Love". Anyone

see Hope naked in ESPN the Magazine? Very erotic. Just wanted to throw out that

we find women arousing after revealing our very deep knowledge of Broadway

shows this week. "Seasons" isn't much of a dance friendly song, "Out Tonight"

would have been a much better choice. 20, sorry Hope!

J.R. Martinez and Karina quickstep to "Hot Honey Rag" from

Chicago. It's hysterical how much of a foregone conclusion a J.R. and Ricki

Lake showdown in the finals is. Who do they think they are, Mitt Romney? Does

that make Chaz Ralph Nader? David Arquette Herman Cain? Poiltical Humor! J.R.

and Karina get a 29 because why wouldn't they?

And that's it for this week! Our prediction is for the

Master Kardashian to take his exit this week. See you on Halloween (our money

is on Nancy Grace dressing like a pumpkin!).

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

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