The nights just seem to be getting longer, and we aren't
talking about Daylight Savings! As the contestants get whittled down, everyone
becomes a better dancer, which makes Dancing With the Stars harder to recap
because there are less things to be mean about.
We just have to pray for Nancy
Grace to do something silly like trip over her feet or advocate for the death penalty to be used in all crimes. Last night was Instant Choreography, in which
the teams dance and then immediately learn another song they have to jive to
just minutes later. Exciting! There is still hope for someone to make an ass of
Rob Kardashian and Cheryl start the evening by quickstepping
to A-Ha's "Take on Me." The judges seem very proud of Rob for not letting his
butt stick out while dancing. Seriously, that was all anyone cared about, but
keeping his ass tucked in paid off for Rob and Cheryl as they scored a 27!
Their instant song was Hall & Oates's "Maneater." Do you ever wonder if Hall
& Oates even understand their recent surge in popularity? They probably
like the residual checks but they should ask themselves if all those young
kids are being sincere when they play "Private Eyes." Hall might get it, but
Oates certainly doesn't. 24.
Hope Solo and Maks quickstepped to Mark Ronson and Amy
Winehouse's "Valerie." Kudos goes to the DWTS editors for implying as strongly
as possible that Hope and Maks are banging. They seem cute together, even
having dinner with Maks's family in the dance studio, because that is something
that people really do and isn't a reality show contrivance. The work pays off
and they have the best week yet with a 27! For their instant song they jived to "The Best Damn Thing" by
Avril Lavigne and get a 25. Keep on maybe screwing but probably not, Hope and Maksim!
(Did you know his full name was Maksim? Now you do!)Ricki Lake and Derek chose to waltz to Aretha Franklin's
"Natural Woman." By the way, is anyone else just tickled to death with the
pop-ups ABC has been running for Tim Allen's new show at the bottom of the
screen? Tim Allen pops up and then the name of his show pops up and Allen seems
very perturbed at his on show, as though it's not something he's promoting.
Hysterical! 28. Later in the
evening, they danced to Wilson Pickett's "Land of a Thousand Dances." Are there
even a thousand dances in the world? You wouldn't know it from watching Dancing
With the Stars what with their love of Jives, Quicksteps, Foxtrots and Tangos.
Switch it up, choreographers! We want a Polka week! 24.
Ever want to see Nancy Grace and Tristan tango to the Ames
Brothers' "The Naughty Lady of Shady Lane"? Boy you were in luck this week! And
probably at least 50 years old! Nancy is completely obstinate towards
Tristan in rehearsals, mocking him whenever he tries to get her to not screw up
the choreography. Tristan should show up on Nancy's CNN show and just yell at
her when she talks about Conrad Murray. (That's what she covers on her show,
right? There aren't any missing White girls to be upset about) They do OK with
a 25! They then danced to "Upside Down" by Paloma Faith which went less than
great with a 20 which isn't terrible for a dance they just learned, but it's
Nancy Grace and she is the worst always.
J.R. Martinez and Karina once again blew all of the other contestants
away by dancing to Burt Bacharach's "What the World Needs Now" and later Little
Richard's "Tutti Frutti." The dancing was flawless. Literally. We mean they got
30's on both songs. 30 and 30. ABC, just declare them the winners of the competition and
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to Miami New Times's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Miami's stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
make the rest of the show all of the former contestants trying to fit into a clown car for the next two weeks.
Nancy Grace should be out this week on the account of being
the only contestant who screws up occasionally and for being an awful person. See you next week!