Did you know that Dancing With the Stars is on its 13th season? Or that it's on for three to four hours a week? You did?
Well then you are clearly smarter than we are! Had we known that DWTS was such a
time suck, we would have asked to review something like Whitney, where every
episode recap could just say "Whitney says something socially uncouth in
public." But alas, the siren song of crazy celebrities was too much for us. So we will be your guide for the next ever so many weeks until Chaz Bono's presence
causes the Tea Party to firebomb ABC's headquarters. Enjoy.
First up on the ballroom dance floor was Ron Artest and Peta
(if you think we're going to learn the full names of the dance partners you have
another thing coming). Artest is awesomely eccentric during his videos and
would be my favorite to win other than the fact that he is as awful at the Cha
Cha as he was in the 2011 NBA Playoffs (sports!). Artest and Peta got something
like a 15/30 which doesn't upset Ron too much as tries to bang Brooke Burke,
which as we all know is the preferred national pastime for gentlemen within a
three feet radius of Ms. Burke since 1997.Rob Kardashian and Cheryl: Up
to this point, we were unaware of Rob Kardashian's existence. We honestly would not
be surprised to learn that Kim keeps him in the basement, handcuffed to a
radiator. Rob is clearly used to women dominating his life, which is perfect
because Cheryl apparently teaches dance in the Weimar Republic. They do a Waltz
and get a 16/30 and one of the Kardashian sisters yells at the judges.
Kristin Cavallari and Mark: Kristen is best known for being the star of The Hills as long as you
don't count Lauren Conrad or Heidi Montag. Kristin wants us to know that she is
'not a bitch,' which we believe because she is a very hot, evenly tanned blonde
girl and it's usually best to take whatever they say at face value. She and
Mark get a 19/20.
Chynna Phillips and Tony: We spent the entirety
of their segment thinking about how Chynna's sister Mackenzie accused their
father John of carrying on a decade long affair with Mackenzie when she was doped
up, so we couldn't focus too much on their Waltz. The judges seem to love it
though, giving them a 22/30. Personally, we would have deducted points for
having married Billy Baldwin.
Nancy Grace: She was one of the reasons we wanted to review DWTS
besides our severe self-loathing issues. She and her partner Christian have a
cute bit where she mocks him for talking funny. We're betting we get four weeks
in before she accuses him of murdering JonBenet Ramsey. They did a Cha Cha that
incorporated a Green Screen, as all classical dancing guides encourage you to
do so while Cha-Cha-ing. They get a 16/30.Former WCW World Champion David Arquette and his partner Kym
are up next. During the pre video Arquette gives off a vibe of haggardness and
spaceyness that only the recently sober can pull off. The cameras cut to
Courtney Cox whenever possible and you can just tell she has no interest in
being there. Arquette tries very hard and gets a 18/30.
Elisabetta Canalis is not famous by any possible metric of
the word but her and her partner Val are next. They are both European but
different kids of European so there is a 'language barrier'. We sincerely hope
that they are the first to get eliminated just because we know nothing about
Elisabetta and her being off the show would make my job easier. We forgot to
take note of their score out of protest. America, vote them off!US Soccer star Hope Solo and Maks, whose name should be
spelt "Max", do a Waltz. This is a very upsetting segment because everyone
comments on Hope's lack of femininity as though she was the Bearded Lady. The judges seemed astonished that she went the
whole dance without tripping on her heels or scratching her crotch so they gave
her a 21/30.
Carson Kressley and Anna: You may remember
Carson from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Bravo's first dipping of their
pinkie toe into the deep end of Queer. Carson lets everyone know he is
uncoordinated by saying "I put the C in Caucasian," which we guess means that the
C means he is uncoordinated as are all Whites. He gets a 17/30 and we now realize that ABC saved all
of their LGBT friendly contestants for the second hour where less kids may be
watching. Classy move, network TV!
JR Martinez and Karina: We're just going to
call out the elephant in the room: it's hard to make jokes about a dude who got
badly injured in Iraq and now acts on All My Children. So I'm going to take
this opportunity to point out that the results show tonight features a
performance by Harry Connick Jr. and LMFAO, a double bill that formerly only
existed in our minds eye after trying to get high on cough syrup.
Ricki Lake and Derek Hough do a fun little dance. Lake sort of
owns the chubby Jewish girl thing by which we mean we'd like to sleep with her
(and if any Cultist readers feel like they fit this dossier feel free to
forward on any relevant pictures to @drewspurs on twitter). We're going to be
honest, at this point in the show we were a few drinks in and probably trying to
Google nude pictures of Ricki, so we forgot to take down the score. But lets
call it a Yay/Very Good.And finally, Chaz Bono and his partner Lacey had the last
Cha Cha of the night. We badly want Chaz to win just because it would upset
DWTS' fanbase so much. Unfortunately Chaz has all of the stamina and grace of a
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50-and-up bowling league in the East Side of Chicago, so he probably won't
be long for the show. The judges encourage him but it comes off as the soft bigotry
of low expectations with a 16/30. C'mon Chaz!