He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front. ~Milton Berle
There's a pizza place near where I live that only sells slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air. ~Steven Wright
Candy Corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn ever made was made in 1911. ~Lewis Black
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A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said "You should force yourself!" ~Henny Youngman
Before judging a thin man, one must get some information. Perhaps he was once fat. ~Fernand Point
Rice is good when you're really hungry and want to eat a thousand of something. -Mitch Hedberg