Michael Bay Explains Why It's Stupid to Own a Sports Car in Miami

Michael Bay Explains Why It's Stupid to Own a Sports Car in Miami
Photo by upcomingvehiclesx's Flickr via MNT Flickr Pool

Ever since Miami Vice depicted Sonny Crockett cruising around town in a Ferrari Daytona, high-powered luxury sports cars have been an unshakable facet of Miami's cultural identity (or at least the stereotypical postcard version of it). It seems music videos filmed in the Magic City are required to include at least one candy-colored Lamborghini. Who can forget all the Italian speedsters shown off in every MTV Cribs episode filmed in Miami (or, for that matter, the Ferrari bed Missy Elliott kept in her Aventura condo).

It's not uncommon for developers to include sports cars in package deals with luxury real estate. One condo tower in South Beach once gave away a Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder to every buyer. In fact, it was speeding in South Beach in a Lambo that finally ended Justin Bieber's international spree of mischief. Heck, just two years ago, the Greater Miami Convention & Visitors Bureau offered free rides to New Yorkers in cars like a bright-orange McLaren as a publicity stunt. That's how strong the connection is between Miami and fine European supercars. 

Yet we've recently realized just how stupid owning a luxury sports car in Miami is, and it was megadirector Michael Bay, of all people, who made us see the light. 

Michael Bay loves his fancy sports cars. Just about every movie he's ever directed has prominently featured them. The only exceptions are Armageddon and Pearl Harbor, but only because those films were set in space and 1941, respectively. His biggest franchise, Transformers, features sports cars as characters. That's how much the man loves a good car. 

Bay lives in Miami in a North Bay Road mansion (the place is set up with equipment so he can oversee all the postproduction of his films right from Miami Beach), but in a recent profile in Rolling Stone, he revealed he's selling all of his sports cars because, well, it just doesn't make sense to own one here: 

Bay owns a $50 million Gulfstream G550 jet, as well as a Bentley, a Range Rover, an Escalade, a Ferrari, a Lamborghini and two Camaros from the Transformers franchise. He's selling most of the sports cars, though: "There's nowhere to drive fast here. And I Uber too many places."

Do you hear that, guys? Michael Bay — Michael f*****g Bay — a man whose cinematic oeuvre is synonymous with explosive car chases and who casually revealed in the same interview his net worth is about half a billion, is selling his sports cars in favor of the more sensible option of Uber!

And you know what? He's right! It is stupid to drive a sports car in Miami. 

Michael Bay Explains Why It's Stupid to Own a Sports Car in Miami
Photo by Kev Cook's Flickr via MNT Flickr Pool

Cars like Lamborghinis and Ferraris are meant for race tracks and the high-speed autobahns of Europe. 

They aren't meant to stop every two blocks at an intersection in South Beach while trying not to drive through sea-level-rise-induced puddles in between. They aren't meant to sit in gridlock on the Palmetto Expressway. They aren't meant to get caught up in a downtown traffic jam while waiting for that damn drawbridge over the Miami River. 

Miami's horrible traffic and hopelessly overworked roads have rendered driving a sports car here useless. 

It's like buying a $3,000 MacBook Pro just to check email. It's like wearing Givenchy Couture to the grocery store. It's like putting caviar in your PB&J. It just ain't right. 

Respect the machine! Don't doom it to a life of puttering in bumper-to-bumper traffic. 

But beyond Bay's reasoning, there are other obvious factors pointing to the conclusion that driving a Ferrari in South Beach just isn't what is used to be — namely, the giant industry of sports car rentals in South Beach. Every wannabe playboy who visits for a few days rents a lime-green Diablo to scoot down Collins. 

Michael Bay Explains Why It's Stupid to Own a Sports Car in Miami
Photo by Phillip Pessar's Flickr via MNT Flickr Pool

Even if you do own that Enzo, half of us will assume you're renting it anyway. In Miami, driving a sports car is no longer a good way for a millionaire to distinguish himself from a tourist wannabe who's speeding in the fast lane to credit card debt. 

(And for those guys who think they'll get women buy renting a Testarossa for the day, don't be surprised when they play you. And they will. You're basically driving around with a big sign that says, "I am easily separated from my money in a sophomoric pursuit to live life like a 1990s Puff Daddy video." Can't blame a Miami girl for taking advantage of that.) 

So there are very few places here to drive a supercar like it's meant to be driven, and even when you do own it, you can easily be mistaken for a chump tourist. What's the point? 

We'd love to think that all sports car owners would follow Bay's lead and switch them out for an Uber ride (or even public transit, but we're nerds), but if you've still got to flaunt your wealth by your choice of wheels, at least be smarter about it. A handsome luxury sedan like a Maybach or Bentley is a much more sensible option when it comes to sitting in Miami's horrible traffic. 

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