Sure red meat makes you horny. And Spanish fly is the greatest of all aphrodisiacs. But what red-blooded American wouldn't want a cereal mascot to keep his or her hunger satisfied on Valentine's Day, too? As to what each one could provide in the lovin' department, well...
1. Tony Tiger's a manly man. And his "Greeeeaaat!" growl sure as hell sounds like he's having an orgasm.
2, 3, & 4. Heck, the only thing better than a threesome is a foursome. Bring on those Rice Krispies boys (but tell 'em to leave the tacky costumes at home).
5. The Lucky Charms leprechaun can probably do some crazy shit with those green clovers. And don't forget he's all about those yellow moons. How romantic!
6. Then there's Toucan Sam. We're just going to assume what people say about the size of a man's feet relates to the size of Sam's beak. Plus he's a little fruity and wears a rainbow flag, so perhaps he swings both ways.
7. Dig 'Em Frog from Sugar Smacks possesses a lot of boyish enthusiasm, especially with those high fives and multicolored baseball hat. Also, he is a frog, after all, so maybe if we kiss him he'll turn into a (sugary) prince.
8. Remember the Cookie Crisp dog, Chip? "CoooooooOoookie Crisp!" You know he's a howler in the sack, too.
9. The Trix rabbit could be good for some kicks, also. Besides, how long can those battery-operated toys last? He's probably in for the long haul.
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.