New Marlins Stadium Food and Lunacy: Body Painting With Sazon

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Somewhere between the new tax-payer-funded stadium, Romero Britto drama, and the ridiculous sculpture with somersaulting marlins, we mustered up the curiosity to see what the Marlins Park kitchens will be whipping out.

So throw on those rose-colored glasses, folks. The Miami Marlins, who open their season April 4 against the St. Louis Cardinals, are cooking up pools and body painting for dinner -- sort of.

Gone are the days of hot dogs, pretzels, ice cream, and lemonade. That's right. Miami is far too good for that all-American bullshit. We're a city of sazon, so it's up to us to keep the dining options interesting.

We'll start with section "South Beach." OK, so it's not really called "section South Beach," but it should be. The area run by SoBe's iconic hotel the Clevelander will hold approximately 240 guests and offer field-level seats (that means you can slurp an Avatar-blue vodka slushy and feel like you're in the game all at the same time). As sure as the Clevelander is "classy," we predict that countless fans will surely run into some confusion when they doll up for a night on the town and end up at the Clevelander in Little Havana, but that's beside the point.

You can expect the full-on Ocean Drive experience while you're in Little Havana with Clevelander classics such as dancing, body painting, live DJs, a pool (yes, a pool), and a poolside grill. Menu items will include most regular bites from the hotel albeit with a ballpark twist.

In addition to the Taste of Miami food court near Section 28 featuring Cuban sandwiches from Latin American Grill and ceviche from Don Camaron, the stadium will feature one of our favorites from 2009: Papo Llega y Pon pork sandwiches. The gastro-Cubano gurus will also be whipping out tamales and chicharrones.

As if that weren't enough, the head honchos decided the stadium needed to import a few food ideas, too.

"For the Cardinals opener, we're going to have St. Louis-style ribs with fries," Marlins team president David Samson told the Miami Herald. "For Houston we'll have a smoked brisket sandwich; Cubs a Chicago dog; Red Sox a New England lobster roll."

Those items all seem far beyond the ordinary offerings of a ballpark's concession stand, sure. But remember, the Miami Marlins can't get to the top unless we get pushed down a few times first -- be it on the diamond or at the concession stand.

"We're also going to have a Miami shrimp burger that will be very interesting," Samson said. Interesting, indeed. Will it be shrimp on a burger or ground shrimp in the burger? We won't know until opening day -- but man, we sure are stoked for that sandwich de puerco and poolside grill!

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