Harry Styles, a pouty 19-year-old English lad whose main job duties include sort of singing with his band One Direction, is reportedly considering purchasing an elegant, beachfront megamansion on Key Biscayne listed for a cool $19.5 million, because life is unfair and weird like that.
Styles -- who was rejected on British talent show The X Factor before he was packaged into a group with other young, floppy-haired castoffs to create the marketing superforce known as One Direction, which has proven irresistible to tween girls (and hence their parents' wallets) across the globe -- has apparently amassed more money in less than three years than you'll ever see in your lifetime. All while getting to tour the globe in VIP fashion with his little friends and greeted at every stop by adoring fans.
The report comes from real estate gossip blog Real Estalker. It claims Harry has twice looked at the Key Biscayne manse. The property has 6,544 square feet of indoor living space, including 6 bedrooms, 6.5 bathrooms, glass railings, a media room with a 64-inch built-in flat screen, a four-car garage, closets larger than the apartment you're able to afford on your meager salary, and, just for kicks, a rooftop pool. The home is known as Mashta Place and was recently developed by Olive Developments.
Of course, perhaps you resent Mr. Styles for having a scrawny body covered in ill-advised tattoos but still having the option of getting laid more in a month than you could in your 20s, but at least you will never have your name attached to real estate reports of questionable veracity that, despite factual concerns and a suspicion they might have been planted to get cheap publicity for the pricey home, still gets picked up and furthered by media across the globe, including the Miami Herald.
Even if the reports are true, at least you'll never have been young, dumb, and rich enough to consider plunking down millions of dollars on a house in a notoriously rocky real estate market that, thanks to your nonstop promotion and touring schedule and your family ties to England, you'd be able to enjoy for maybe only a few weeks a year. Sure, maybe you'll never be on the cover of GQ or date Taylor Swift* like some kid who was handed international fame for showing up at a TV audition, but the stupidest financial decision you made as a 19-year-old probably involved forgetting to pay your Gap card on time.
So whether this is a false report or Styles' financial advisers step in and say, "Hey, kid, let's maybe wait until at least the fifth album before we buy up international beachfront real estate," the chances this house ends up in the hands of a boy-bander instead of, say, some Brazilian or Middle Eastern business tycoon, are almost as slim as Styles' pants. That being said, Styles still likely lives the kind of life you could only dream of because, again, life is random and weird. Now, wipe the crumbs from your microwaved Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwich and get to work. Your boss doesn't pay you to read about the real estate concerns of celebrity twinks, you schlub.
* Actually, it is very possible at this point that you too could end up dating Taylor Swift for a few weeks. Whether or not you would want to is another story. Just kidding. You'd be lucky to date her, you idiot.
Follow Kyle Munzenrieder on Twitter: @Munzenrieder