Naming a business might be one of the most important decisions an owner can make. You want something that effectively communicates what you offer while being both memorable and setting you apart from your competition. Or you could just choose something so awesomely off-the-wall that people have no choice but to stop in to see what you're all about -- just like these Miami shopkeeps did.
10. Pho Thang (9539 SW 160th St., Palmetto Bay)
It would take a writer much stronger than I not to open a positive review of this restaurant with the line "Pho Thang is the real thang!"
9. Sib-Bling Jewelry (546 Arthur Godfrey Rd., Miami Beach)
Unfortunately, we can't confirm this place is owned by a brother and sister who are conversant in early-00's hip-hop slang, yet, we have a sneaking suspicion that could be the case.
8. Narcobollo (2557 NW 79th Ave., Doral)
We named this place Best Colombian Restaurant in 2011 (because, of course, it's Colombian) and explained its weird name:
In a quiet house on a tranquil Cartagena street, a family began cooking up bollo de yuca -- a coastal Caribbean delicacy of mashed yuca boiled in corn husks -- and selling it to neighbors. The dish was so good that customers soon were coming and going all day with brown bags of the stuff. Narco cops noticed the traffic, and -- it being Colombia -- they couldn't believe all the fuss was over some boiled yuca. So they raided the house, sliced open every bollo, and found nothing more than Cartagena's best budget lunch. To mock the authorities, the owners rechristened the joint "Narcobollo."
Naturally, they have an outpost in Doral.
7. 2 Girls and a Cupcake (9805 NW 80th Ave., Hialeah)
We can't bring ourselves to try the chocolate here.
6. Ñoooo!!! ¡Que Barato! (2201 S. Okeechobee Rd., Hialeah)
Translates roughly to "Holy shit! That's cheap!" If you're wondering what they carry here, well, pretty much anything they can stock with a price so low you say, "Holy shit! That's cheap!"
5. El Carajo International Tapas & Wines (2465 SW 17th Ave., Miami)
For the five of you in Miami who don't understand any Spanish, "carajo" is a Spanish vulgarity that can't quite be translated. Depending on its usage, it could mean "hell," "shit," "fuck," or "penis." Technically in old Spanish maritime slang, it means the crow's nest of a ship, which is the official reasoning given, but when was the last time you heard someone in Miami talking about a crow's nest? Oddly, that's not even the strangest thing about this place. It's a fancy wine and tapas restaurant located inside a Citgo gas station.
4. Let's Get Laced (12743 Biscayne Blvd., North Miami)
Wait, laced with what? Coke? LSD? Cyanide? Oh! It's a lace-front-wig store. Then, yeah, girl, let's get laced! Do you think I could pull off blond?
3. Hannah & Her Scissors (611 NE 86th St., Miami)
If your name is Hannah and you're opening a hair salon and you're a Woody Allen fan you kind of have to go for it, right?
2. Street Holes Body Jewelry (325 NW 28th St., Miami)
Are you a sophisticated woman looking for that perfect belly-button ring that will leave people wondering which Ivy League school you attended? How about that nipple piercing that says, "Yeah, I'm friends with a few French poets, what of it?" Or perhaps that septum ring that lets people know exactly your thoughts on both the Icelandic economic crisis and the latest Saint Laurent collection without even having to ask? Try Street Holes body jewelry. Only for the elegant.
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1. Sum Yum Gai (1403 Washington Ave., Miami Beach)
As Aunt Linda learned during a drunken family night out after my graduation, this is not a seedy male-staffed massage parlor, but rather a Chinese take-out place. You know, like that joke from Wayne's World. Except this place doesn't have a house cream on the menu.