How Do You Know If You're a Real Miamian?

Ever notice how New Yorkers have such strong opinions about what makes a person a "real" New Yorker? (The answer: You have strong opinions about what makes one a real New Yorker.) The phrase "Real New Yorker" has 802,000 Google results. The phrase "Real Miamian" nets only 347 results.

We're a transient, melting pot of a city, sure, and it's difficult to define our people, but we thought we'd try to establish some basic requirements for 305 realness. Take our test to find out if you're a "real Miamian." Don't take it too seriously, though. No real Miamian would.

It's pretty simple. For each bullet point that applies to you, give yourself a point.

  • Hearing the words palmetto and dolphin in the same sentence does not conjure images of a tranquil paradise, but rather ones of traffic horror.
  • "Lights! Food! Rides! And so much more!" makes you think of the holidays more than "Jingle Bells."
  • Not only are you aware that places such as Naranja, the Redland, Ojus, and Country Walk exist, but you can also give general directions to get to those places.
  • You use your horn more than your turn signal.
  • Whether you started out as a Spanish speaker or an English speaker, you're now proficient in Spanglish.
  • You either were or remember seeing someone visibly upset the day Celia Cruz died.

  • You have a Dan Marino jersey you still rock, of course, but somewhere deep in the back of your closet resides either a Fielder, Harrington, Culpepper, Rosenfels, Frerotte, Green, Beck, Pennington, or Henne jersey.
  • You own more flip-flops -- excuse us -- chancletas, than coats.
  • You've owned either vinyl, cassette, CD, or digital copies of Nice & Wild's "Diamond Girl," Debbie Deb's "Lookout Weekend," and Stevie B's "Spring Love."
  • Starting times are just suggestions, and you never get to an event or party within an hour of the actual kickoff.
  • You've bought seafood or meat out of a car trunk.
  • You're asked, "Where are you from?" within a minute of meeting someone, or you're doing the asking. "Here" is never a valid answer.
  • Seven dollars for a well drink seems pretty damn cheap.
  • You have no idea what a yellow light means.
  • There are people living on your street or in your complex that you've never meet, yet you know all their favorite salsa tunes because they blast the stereo.
  • You've voted for someone who is now behind bars, was removed from office, or resigned in disgrace -- multiple times.
  • There was a time in your life when leaving clubs, bars, or parties after 3 a.m. on a weekday and still showing up at work the next day was a regular occurrence.

  • Sitting at a red light means ignoring someone trying to either ask you for money or sell you something.
  • You've recognized a random person out in public who's acted for one of our many fine Internet porn companies.

  • When a hurricane comes, preparing for a party and preparing for an actual disaster go hand-in-hand.
  • You use the terms bro and guy all the time, but never, ever dude.
  • You visit New York City and are the only tourist who thinks the locals are polite.
  • Watching football is a good way to find out what some of your former classmates are up to.
  • You get offended when people call Miami sports fans bandwagoners. Sure, you've gone to like only three games in the past decade, if any at all, but you watch the Heat, Dolphins, Marlins, and Hurricanes on TV all the time.
  • You consider a 5'10" man tall.
  • You've passed by the taping of a reality TV show or telenovela.
  • You have strong opinions about the art of Romero Britto.
  • Going out on South Beach is a last resort. "Really, you're sure there's nothing going on closer to home? How about downtown? Nobody is having a house party? Jeez, OK, I guess we'll go out to South Beach if we have to."
  • Broward County legitimately feels like a foreign country. It might as well be in Canada.
  • Viewing art is not considered a sober activity.
  • You've freaked out enough out-of-towners by trying to show them your favorite places around town that now you know you're just better dropping them off at Bayside and directing them to Chili's.
  • If you wind up drunk at a tattoo shop, there's a good chance you'll walk out with a "305" tattoo, assuming you don't already have one.
  • You wouldn't even notice if all the Starbucks shut down. They don't have cafecito anyway.
  • You're familiar with the beggars in the neighborhoods you frequent.
  • You can't remember the last time you voluntarily went anywhere on Ocean Drive.
  • You've used the bathrooms at Churchill's Pub multiple times and lived to tell about it.
  • When a new restaurant or club opens, you often say, "Oh, yeah, that used to be called... and before that it was..."
  • Out-of-towners just assume you know where to buy coke.
  • Any old man with a beard and a tracksuit instantly reminds you of Fidel Castro.
  • You still judge people based on which local high school they attended.

How'd You Score?

0 points - You live in Boston. Why did you read this?

1 to 4 points - Did you just move here for a job and are trying to impress your bosses by working 80 hours weeks? Get out and absorb the local culture a bit.

5 to 9 points - Congratulations on purchasing one of our many foreclosed condos as a vacation home, but you're not quite a Miamian.

10 to 15 points - You've reached the bare minimum of "Miamian" status. You can now tell people from outside Miami that you're a Miamian.

16 to 20 points - Some born-and-raised types might still scoff, but go ahead and wear that Miamian status with pride. Someone has to.

21 to 30 points - If you weren't actually born here, you've definitely been reborn here in one way or another.

31 to 40 points - Watch out, Pitbull -- there's a new Mr. or Ms. 305.

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Kyle Munzenrieder