There's no doubt Miami meets the requisite amount of glitz needed to host a gathering as large, popular, and all-consuming as the Super Bowl. And sure enough, the NFL's annual championship game this weekend is being accompanied by a series of parties so decadent and so depraved that even seasoned veterans of Miami's vice might have to take pause. If you're trying to ball out as though the Dolphins were the ones at the big game's kickoff, New Times has rounded up the most expensive parties and opulent packages you can find around town this weekend.
The Chainsmokers at the Maxim Havana Nights
Price: $15,000 for a 13-person private yacht with VIP access
Along with the San Francisco 49ers and the Kansas City Chiefs, the Chainsmokers have a busy week ahead of them. The EDM group is headlining Maxim's Super Bowl party in addition to staging a free performance at the Fillmore Miami Beach with the help of Sirius XM's and Pandora. The event includes incredible skyline views from a waterfront venue that will have its own private marina for guests who decide to arrive in style via yacht or boat shuttle. Performances from Russ, Megan Thee Stallion, Rick Ross, Lost Kings, Mya, and others will also be taking place. The VIP ticket includes expedited entry, an open bar boasting the Chainsmokers’ branded JAJA Tequila, and access to reserved areas. With Russ, Megan Thee Stallion, Rick Ross, Lost Kings, and others. 10 p.m. Saturday, February 1, at Historic Virginia Key Beach Park, 4200 Rickenbacker Cswy., Miami; maximsb2020.com. Tickets start at $750.
2020 Ditka & Jaws Cigars With the Stars
Price: $500 for a single ticket, up to $10,000 for sponsorship
Former Chicago Bears Coach Mike Ditka received a pacemaker following a heart attack in 2018, but that doesn't seem to be stopping him from hosting a cigar party. For $500, join the Hall of Famer as well as Ron “Jaws” Jaworski and other NFL Hall of Famers to a night of premium cigars and single-malt scotch. The party will take place at the Paramount Miami Worldcenter and the proceeds are set to go to the Gridiron Greats Assistance Fund, a non-profit organization that provides financial and pro bono medical assistance to NFL retired players and Jaws Youth Playbook (JYP). 7 p.m. to 10 p.m. Thursday, January 30, at Paramount Miami Worldcenter, 851 NE First Ave., Miami; ditkajawscigars.com. Tickets cost $500 to $10,000 via eventbrite.com.
Sports Illustrated the Party
Price: $10,000 for a La Côte lawn table
Even though Sports Illustrated recently laid off almost half of its editorial staff this past October, the publication can't be all that strapped for cash if it's throwing a party at the Fontainebleau Miami Beach. The gathering at the extravagant Miami Beach resort will include performances by Marshmello and the Black Eyed Peas, and if you're really looking to live it up, the La Côte lawn table offers a reserved area with bottle service, a premium open bar, and admission for six VIP guests. With Marshmello, Black Eyed Peas, and Da Baby. 9:30 p.m. Saturday, February 1, at Fontainebleau Miami Beach, 4441 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-535-3283. Tickets cost $1,500 to $100,000 via sportsillustratedtheparty.com.
Michael Bay’s Big Game Big Give 2020
You're either invited to the gala or you can purchase a BGBG ticket. This star-studded party held on Star Island is this year’s most exclusive party to mingle and cheer for your favorite team. After all, ESPN Magazine has coined it the number one Super Bowl Party. Hosted by filmmaker Michael Bay, the cocktail party will offer entertainment performances, a live auction, and appearances by A-listers. The philanthropic event will also honor Pro Football Hall of Famer and Cleveland Browns legend Jim Brown with an award presented by Super Bowl XXXV MVP Ray Lewis. 6:30 to 10 p.m. Saturday, February 1, on Star Island, Miami Beach; 646-998-4934; givingback.org/bgbg2020. Tickets cost $3,000 to $45,000 via e.givesmart.com.
Bootsy on the Water Miami Takeover 2020
Price: $150,000 for the Super VIP onstage yacht suite package
Got $150,000, love Post Malone, and don't have any Super Bowl plans yet? Consider forking that money over to Bootsy Bellows' Super Bowl Party, which will take you and 80 other VIPs for an eight-hour joyride on a private yacht. This ridiculously expensive ticket includes bottle service with unlimited sponsor bottles, security, waitress service, and access to a private VIP bathroom. In a surprise twist, you'll still have to wait in line to use the bathroom despite pissing away $150,000 like it was nothing. However, you'll get to hear Post Malone, and who can put a price on that? With Post Malone, Irie, Zack Bia, Fred Matters, and Devin Lucien. 10 p.m. Friday, January 31, in Historic Virginia Key Beach Park, 4020 Virginia Beach Dr., Miami; 877-629-4602. Tickets and packages cost $500 to $150,000 via bootsysb.com.
Price: $1 million for the Big Game Royalty Experience
Patriots tight end and three-time Super Bowl champ Rob “Gronk” Gronkowski won't be playing in the big game this year, but he just might celebrate like he is. Gronkowski is transforming the North Beach Bandshell this weekend and inviting A-list celebrities and performers to join him on the sand. Catch performances by Rick Ross, Diplo, and Kaskade while playing beach games, sipping cocktails, and enjoying sweet delicacies from the Salty Donut and other food purveyors. But if you really want to ball out, there's always the Big Game Royalty Experience. Besides including ten tickets to the big game itself and private security — you know, because you're the sort of person who would spend $1 million on a Super Bowl weekend party package and probably had to do sketchy, unethical things to earn that money — this package also includes a round-trip private jet flight for ten people, an XS Nightclub Skybox at Shaq's Fun House with unlimited drinks, a beach club cabana at Gronk Beach, stage time with Gronk himself, a private Miami mansion rental weekend, and a chance to ride around in Rolls-Royce Phantoms. Are you out of breath yet, or are you ready for more? The Big Game Royalty Experience will even let you ride on Shaq's shoulders at his Fun House. Who says capitalism doesn't breed innovation? With Diplo, Kaskade, Rick Ross, Flo Rida, Carnage, and 3Lau. 1 p.m. Saturday, February 1, at the North Beach Bandshell, 7275 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; gronkbeach.com. Tickets cost $249 to $1 million via tixr.com.
Shaq’s Fun House
Price: $1,099.99 all-inclusive VIP ticket
From 9 p.m. to 3 a.m. this Friday, January 31, Shaquille O’Neal's recurring carnival will offer VIP access that includes a six-hour open bar, VIP restrooms to avoid the long lines, and, naturally, a VIP lounge. You'll also be able to catch performances by Diplo and Mr. 305 himself, Pitbull. In keeping with the ostentatious spirit of Super Bowl weekend, Diddy, Tiësto, Carnage, and DaBaby will all perform as well. But the real deal is the food: Delicacies from Pubbelly Sushi, STK Steakhouse, and Coyo Taco — as well as desserts from Krispy Kreme and Knaus Berry Farm — will all be offered to guests. With Pitbull, Diddy, Tiësto, Diplo, DaBaby, and others. 9 p.m. Friday, January 31, at Mana Wynwood, 318 NW 23rd St., Miami; 305-573-0371; shaqsfunhouse.com. Tickets cost $249.99 to $1 million via tixr.com.
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The Players Tailgate 2020
Price: $10,200 VIP cabana for six people
You won’t need a Super Bowl ticket to the Players Tailgate at Hard Rock Stadium. Hosted by Guy Fieri, the event will see eight top chefs whipping up and serving incredible meals for guests. Recognized chef Aaron May will cater the tailgate, and offerings will include teriyaki and mango habanero wings by chef Danny Vargas; a seafood bar featuring stone crab, caviar, and lobster by chef Ken Orringer; and plenty of other eats. Miami's own DJ Irie will also provide a playlist, and there'll be guest appearances from several NFL players, including the Cleveland Browns’ Odell Beckham Jr. No, this isn't like any tailgate you've ever seen. 2 p.m. Sunday, February 2, at Hard Rock Stadium, 347 Don Shula Dr., Miami Gardens; 317-800-5820, bullseyeeventgroup.com. Tickets cost $875 to $20,000 via bullseyeeventgroup.com.