Wow, y'all.
Another 365 days have come and gone. Sure, we had a ton of fun. We discovered a lot of cool new artists and said goodbye to a few favorites. But we also saw the rise of some terrible pop trash, and we were forced to listen to some of the worst manufactured dance beats ever.
Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call Me Maybe." All year, everyone was like, "I hate that song." But somebody must be lying, because it has more than 356 million views on YouTube since March 1. This ditty is catchy to a fault. It buries itself into your brain and lays little echoing eggs. We'll be singing it for the rest of our lives.
Chris Brown's "Don't Wake Me Up." Everything about Chris Brown is annoying. If we have to read one more story about his and Rihanna's absurd media-circus relationship, we might do something that can never be taken back. This song makes us feel the same way. That Auto-Tune? Those lyrics? The cheesy beat? It's all just too much.
Flo Rida's "I Cry." Of course, what's worse than making your own shitty dance-pop song? Taking an old-ass dance song and turning it into a shitty dance-pop song.
Jennifer Lopez's "Goin' In." J.Lo had a huge 2012. Congrats on maintaining relevancy, girl. But this song is a load of recycled garbage. Everything about it is trying too hard. And the lyrics are awful, even for a mindless dance song. "We on our crazy"? Clearly.
Trinidad James's "All Gold Everything." Let's be real: This song is a sludgy mess. It doesn't even pump up the party. It makes us want to go to sleep, not bust off in a ho's face.
LMFAO's "Sorry for Party Rocking." Thank goodness LMFAO is on an indefinite hiatus. The group's last single was the worst of them all. It's not quite as catchy as "Party Rock Anthem" or as silly as "Sexy and I Know It." It sounds kind of like a lame hair-metal song. No, thanks.
Cedric Gervais's "Molly." This song sums up everything that's wrong with the EDM scene. Mainly, partiers' crippling dependency on drugs, because they can't just enjoy the music. "Molly" shoves all of that nonsense in your face and makes everyone in the club feel uncomfortable. Well, unless you're rolling balls.
Lil Wayne's "Mercy," featuring Nicki Minaj. Weezy's Dedication 4 mixtape was one of the worst releases of the year, and "Mercy" was one of the worst tracks on it. How could Wayne touch one of the hottest songs of the year and turn it into a turd? That's a feat in itself.
Al Walser's "I Can't Live Without You." Oh, you never heard this song? That's weird, because it was nominated for Best Dance Music Recording at this year's Grammy Awards. Turns out it's one of the worst dance-by-numbers rip-offs in history.
Nicki Minaj's "Starships." By far, though, the worst song of 2012 was "Starships." It might be the most offensive thing Ms. Minaj has done to date, and she's a whole mess of undesirable. Was this song created specifically to ruin our summer? Nicki, you really are the worst. See you next year.
