Rolling Stone just farted out a list of turds and called it the "25 DJs That Rule the Earth."
But we here at Crossfade have got more than a bone to pick with them about it. Not only is this list completely nonsensical and asinine, it plays like a tired attempt at relevancy by a dancing corpse that hasn't said anything cool since the mid '80s.
We'll concede some of the rankings aren't totally stupid. But still, looking directly at it will cause any real EDM fan to puke out of their eye-sockets. Let us spare you the pain and give you a ten-point breakdown of why Rolling Stone got it wrong.
What the Fuck Is the Premise for This Shit?
First of all, Rolling Stone gives literally no insight into how they reached these conclusions, nor do their sometimes one-sentence explanations make any good arguments. It seems the criteria were just to surf the blogs for a minute, check out some festival lineups, throw a dart, and then just make it up.
Daft Punk at No. 25?
We'll concede that we're completely, 100-percent obsessed with Daft Punk, and therefore possibly biased. But placing Daft Punk (arguably the most influential DJ duo of all time) at the bottom of this list is unforgivable. Some people say, "But they are producers, not DJs. They use Ableton." Please, Alive 1997 was recorded before computers took over, and they killed it. Daft Punk is Top Three in any list of influencers, period.
Porter Robinson Makes the Cut at All?
Right after Daft Punk -- who actually bridged the gap between kids into guitars and kids into four-on-the-floor, making this whole American EDM explosion possible -- comes Porter Robinson. Who is Porter Robinson? Some kid Skrillex signed that will cease to have mattered five years from now. None of this makes sense, no explanation is given.
Carl Cox at No. 22?
In line with shitting on legends, Rolling Stone places the hefty-in-more-ways-than-one Carl Cox in the less-than-stellar 22 spot. Because we live in Miami, we realize that Carl Cox rules over Ultra, and ruling over Ultra alone gets you into the Top Ten. Plus, bro has mad swag all over Ibiza and satellite radio. How are some of these underground names ruling harder than the man? Oh, sorry, Rolling Stone doesn't have to explain anything.
Deadmau5 Is a DJ?
They placed Deadmau5 at 20, the man who said himself that he's not even a DJ, but merely a button pusher. We guess if the criteria is being a little mouthy bitch and having the loudest Tumblr of all time ... Then yes, Deadmau5 is the 20th most influential and obnoxious producer on the planet. But giving props to someone who calls himself out for sucking while snubbing people who helped open the door for him to suck is kind of a slap in the face.
Does Maya Jane Coles Rule the World?
Maya Jane Coles is 15 on this list, making her one of the most influential DJs in the world because she's been "about to blow up" for, like, five years. We're not saying she's not great, but if she really ruled the world, wouldn't she get something better than bottom billing at music festivals by now? Yes, the girl deserves a lot of props. No, she doesn't deserve to be higher on this list than Daft Punk.
Boyz Noize = David Guetta?
This German DJ-producer is number nine on this list, and we can definitely dig it. But it is Rolling Stone's explanation that gets us all pissed off. In the mag's half-witted attempts to clarify its redonkulous observations, the Stone defies all logic and compares Boys Noize to David Guetta. How is Boys Noize working with Snoop Dogg is analogous to David Guetta sucking the shit from Billboard's Top 40 and reinventing it as itself. We're really fucking confused and our brains hurt.
You Mean, the Lead Singer of LCD?
So ... Daft Punk is 25, but James Murphy is seven. Yeah, the man we all love as the lead singer of LCD Soundsystem is apparently one of the coolest DJs on the planet. Coolest guys on the planet? Absolutely. But as a DJ, we're pretty sure everyone is hitting that dance floor in hopes that he might pick up a microphone and do a rendition of "All My Friends." We understand the nod. But next time, please keep your dick-sucking behind closed doors.
Avicii at No. 3?
The boy wonder is number three on this list. Some kid no one ever heard of until he did this one song that got stuck in the collective consciousness for an entire year is the third most influential and recognizable DJ on the planet. Rolling Stone, we're about to give up on you entirely.
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Of course, Tiësto is number one, because money means influence and importance in this world. Half of the EDM community would tell you he's the most boring DJ to watch perform on the entire planet. But maybe the Stone's No. 1 is fair, because the other half would be like, "Yeah, I love Tiësto,
trance house music, and stuff." Then again, bro has been doing it for decades and will probably survive to do it for decades more. Maybe this is the one thing Rolling Stone got right, and we're just bitter.
Nah, fuck it. Rolling Stone sucks.