The following message was intercepted by New Times communications experts from the Planet Khaled, settled by DJ Khaled after his success literally skyrocketed his Jet Ski into outer space. A strange and unique dialect of English has developed on the planet, owing to years of isolation in space, so we are publishing the original message unedited alongside a translation into standard English.
MIAMI.
WE BACK.
THEY DIDN'T WANT THIS TO HAPPEN. THEY DIDN'T WANT US TO SUCCEED.
BUT WE MADE IT.
WE THE BEST MUSIC. DEF JAM MUSIC. TOGETHER.
IT'S A MAJOR KEY.
IT'S A MOVEMENT.
THEY DIDN'T WANT THIS TO COME TOGETHER. BUT THEY CAN'T STOP US.
THAT'S HIP-HOP. DEF JAM IS HIP-HOP. DJ KHALED IS HIP-HOP. THE CULTURE.
IT'S LIT.
THEY KNOW IT. UNIVERSAL MUSIC KNOW IT. EXECUTIVE. GLOBAL. CREATIVE. WE THE BEST WORLDWIDE.
THEY DIDN'T SEE THIS COMING. THEY CAN'T RECOGNIZE THE GRIND. BUT WE NEVER STOP THE GRIND.
THE NUMBERS DON'T LIE.
4 BILLION STREAMS WORLDWIDE. THAT'S A MAJOR KEY.
THEY CAN'T STOP THE VISION. WE GOT GOD ON OUR SIDE.
THAT'S A MAJOR KEY. WHO WANTED THIS? GOD DID.
THAT'S THE ALBUM. RICK ROSS. LIL WAYNE. JAY-Z. FRIDAYY THE YOUNG LORD. GOD DID. GO GET THAT.
GRAMMY NOMINATED. BET AWARDS NOMINATED. BILLBOARD NUMBER ONE ALBUM. WE ALL OVER THE CHARTS. GOD DID. GO STREAM THAT.
GRATEFUL.
BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. ONE LOVE. WE THE BEST MUSIC FOREVER.
Translation: New Orleans-bred, Miami-based DJ Khaled has announced an exclusive partnership with Def Jam Recordings for future releases on his label We the Best. He will also join the venerable hip-hop label's parent company Universal Music Group as a global creative consultant, having previously served as an A&R for the label. The announcement follows a recent performance at the 65th-annual Grammy Awards, where he performed his track "God Did," from the multi-Grammy nominated album of the same name, alongside Rick Ross, Jay-Z, Lil Wayne, and Fridayy.