Will Ultra Music Festival 2013 descend into chaos?
Probably not. The UMF peeps run a very tight operation. The kids have got access to lots of free water and wi-fi. There are cops all over the streets. And the vibe is almost universally pleasant.
But there have been bad omens: City commissioner Marc Sarnoff's campaign to kill the party. The awful main stage LED screen accident. And Deadmau5 ranting and raving and demanding to know: "When's [Ultra] going to be played out?"
We needed to know the future of Ultra. So obviously, we asked the ravers.
"Deadmau5 Will Die"
He's got a prophetic name. And he's been beefing with the Ultra gods. So Chief and Champ are worried about Joel Zimmerman's well-being on the main stage.
"Humans don't control everything. So Deadmau5 might have to die," Chief shrugs. "He will die."
The prediction is terrifying. But then Champ interjectects, shitting all over his buddy's pemise: "Uh, Deadmau5 is already dead. He's just a ghost. Most people don't realize that."
"No More Stage Collapses"
In high contrast to Chief's dire prognostication, these three ladies -- Weezy, Trixie, and Trini -- are, like, 1000-percent positive that Ultra 2013 will proceed without incident.
"I can see the future. No more stage collapses," Trixie prophesies. "All that bad shit is behind us."
And Ms. Weezy agrees, even if she's worried about kandi kids with contraband and weapons. "Coming in, I didn't get my ID checked. And I didn't even get my bag checked by security. It was that crowded. You know, I'm clean. But what about that guy?"
"Too Much Fun"
The human body is frail. And massive amounts of non-stop pleasure-seeking can destroy it. Just ask Dylan Montero.
Sure, it's only his first Ultra Music Festival. But Dylan's "been raving for such a long time" that he's basically an expert on the subject of EDM-induced exhaustion.
"This is, like, my scene." And he foresees fans being physically and emotionally wrecked by six whole days. "The second weekend," Dylan says, pausing, "I think people are going to die. They're going to collapse.
"Because doing two Ultras, that's just crazy. It's too much fun."
"Pure PLUR, Baby! Best Ultra Ever!"
Meet Amanda, Hailey, and Colin. They believe in the power of PLUR. So please, go soak your negative crap in Dayglo paint or something. Because, as Amanda excitedly insists: "Listen! Ultra 2013 is going to be the best year ever!
"The lineup is amazing! Avicii! Afrojack! Deadmau5! Tiësto! Krewella! Everyone loves Ultra! This is my sixth time! And I'm still goin' strong! I'm 100-percent positive! Everybody love everybody! ELE! Woooooo!
"I predict pure PLUR, baby!"
"Party People Win"
The city commission tries to shut down Ultra? "Fuck that!" And the UMF main stage partially collapses? "Fuck that!" And you scarf a bad hotdog, then chase it with a Red Bull? "Fuck that!"
"The party people win," our cabby insists. And Captain Candy is living proof. "I'm gonna get superfaded!" she shouts. "And run around! And dance a lot! And there's gonna be a ton of shirtless guys! And that's awesome!"
"Miami is crazy," our cabby explains. "We get crazy. And everyone's gonna climb that thing!" he laughs, pointing toward the 200-foot-tall Ultra mega-structure.
So the prediction is pandemonium? "Nah," Captain Candy shakes her head, "They'll be rolling balls! And climbing real high! That's just a party!"
"Swedish House Mafia Will Die"
An SHM breakup isn't good enough for Seamus. Because while his buddies Micheal, Colonel Sanders, Doctor P (not the DJ), and Sean haven't personally observed any bad omens hanging over this year's UMF, Seamus is filled with visions of EDM disaster.
"Is it bad if I wouldn't be upset if the stage collapsed on Swedish House," he asks, not even entertaining an answer, "and we really got to see their last show ever."
That sounds selfish, Seamus. What about the reunion tour in 2030? "No, sir. Not happening. They die at Ultra. Sorry."
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