Hey, remember last summer, when a guy chewed another guy's face off on the MacArthur Causeway? And then the police blamed bath salts? And then all anybody could talk about for the next month was Rudy Eugene and whether he was possessed and Ron Poppo and hey did you know he was homeless and drugs are scary, huh?
Of course you do. Everyone does. That was one seriously terrifying, mind-blowingly WTF Miami moment. You couldn't escape it. In bars, at fancy dinners, in the middle of children's birthday parties and new moms' baby showers, all of us in this town wasted full days of our lives analyzing the details of the incident until our brains were numb with gore.
Now, it's Halloween, and you think you're going to blow everyone's minds by dressing up as the Miami Zombie or his victim? You are wrong. And you're probably also kind of a dick. Here's why:
You think you're original? You are not original.
Back in May, when you'd finally processed the horror of the face-eating and were able to shut your eyes at night without seeing that grotesque photo of Ron Poppo's destroyed face in your dreams, you likely had this realization: "Some douchebag is going to be the Miami Zombie for Halloween this year." If you are that douchebag, your realization was more like, "Some awesome guy is going to be the Miami Zombie for Halloween this year!" The point is, we all saw this coming.
Hell, the Miami Zombie made the first page of our "Halloween Costumes Everyone Will Be Wearing" list, right between Honey Boo Boo and Binders Full of Women. No points for creativity, is what we're saying.
You think you're funny? You are not funny.
Here is a list of some things that are funny: George Carlin. Dogs wearing booties. Babies eating lemons. Colonel Meow. Old ladies watching sex tapes. People falling down, especially if they're wearing Ed Hardy apparel.
Here is something that is not funny: The senseless, violent mauling of a human being, resulting in one death and one life forever scarred, both physically and emotionally.
See the difference?
You think you're clever? You are not clever.
"Okay, you've made good points," you're thinking, "but they don't apply to me, because my Miami Zombie costume is going to be so incredibly awesome and realistic that it's an exception to the rule."
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Oh, you're going to be realistic? That is actually worse. If you go out in public looking like a person who might possibly tear others' faces off with your teeth, you are going to legitimately, dangerously scare people. Not "fun Halloween" scared -- "freaking people the fuck out and possibly getting shot" scared, just like this guy:
You're going to turn it into an ironic "Sexy Miami Zombie" costume?
Oh HELL no. No no no. You are a sociopath, and should commit yourself right this second. Stay far away from me.
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