Any asshole can streak. Any hippie can get au naturel for a still-life drawing class. And any shameless baby-boomer with a gut so large he has no idea he's playing hacky-sack with his own nuts can go to Haulover Beach. But that's boring -- activities for nudie novices!
Today, on the purest of all holidays, National Nude Day, we say live it up a little. Add some sizzle to your summer with utter stupidity. And why be stupid and nude? Well, if Miami's driving style is any indication, people in the Magic City sure love being dumbasses. And if the number of bare boobies baking on SoBe at this very moment is another indication, Miami also loves being nude. Explanation complete! So, here, nuzzled among some of our favorite found-nudes from Flickr (why not?), are some celebratory dick-fueled activities you can do today if you're not a total pussy:
7. Swim with jellyfish
Sure, swimming with piranhas is way more extreme, and way stupider, but most likely you wouldn't survive, and if we suggested you swim with piranhas and you died, that's a huge liability for us, so in the best interest of us and not you, we suggest swimming with jellyfish just as long as you're not fatally allergic to jellyfish stings. And if you're not allergic and you just happen to get stung by a jellyfish's beautiful, swirling tenticles of ouch, someone will have to pee on you, which would be funny for us but not for you. That is, unless you're into that kind of stuff, in which case, you're welcome. We love to give back.
6. Put clothes on an animal
Because animals mock us with their carefree nature of walking around buck-ass naked all the time, we think putting clothes on an animal today would be somewhat ironic and, more important, stupid. Then again, call us stupid, but isn't putting clothes on anything that naturally grows a fur coat stupid?
5. Jump on a trampoline
Seems innocent enough, but if you're not a prepubescent kid, it's only a matter of time until you feel some kind of pain. Thank jeebus for supportive under-roos! That's right, you heard us feminists of the '60s -- bras are good... when jumping.
4. Play Twister on a beach:
Two words: yeast infection.
3. Use a deep fryer
Monte Cristo, anyone? Seriously, what's sexier than eating a deep-fried ham and cheese sandwich dripping with powdered sugar and jelly while naked? One word: nothing! Oh, except this:
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2. Hug a cactus
Save a bundle on acupuncture!
1. Take a family photo
Make your friends and family green with envy (or nausea) when you send them your annual Christmas card photo with you, your spouse, and your three children naked-ass-naked backed by a lovely waterfall courtesy of Sears Portrait Studio. Fingers crossed none of your relatives works for Child Protective Services!