We're here to talk Real Housewives. But before we begin, did you catch Watch What Happens Live with three of the ladies after last night's episode? So much juice: Marysol is 45! Lea had a facelift! It's becoming essential viewing.
OK, moving on.
In season two of Real Housewives of Miami, Alexia Echevarria has it made. She's a guest star this year, but she still got to be part of the first scene when things go down at Ana Quincoces's house. Is she only going to show up for the crazy bits? Because we wish we were that lucky.
Per usual, Alexa and Ana start the party by talking smack about Dr. Karent Sierra and her telenovela beau, Rodolfo Jiménez -- both of whom show up half-naked and covered in rose petals in the next scene.
Karent and her lover go for a massage that consists of honey,
rose petals, a Spanish-speaking masseuse, and "going to the moon." Uh, okay. There, the subject of marriage arises, because what's more relaxing than major life decisions? The Dr. herself is clearly dying to get married. Her V-neck
wearing boyfriend, on the other hand? Not so much. Karent, of course, smiles thorough the whole damn thing. Her mouth is like a 24-hour neon billboard advertising her dental skills. We're not sure whether we love it or hate it yet.
From there, we head to the wonderful life of Lisa and Lenny Hochstein, where Lisa decorates her husband's office in nothing but photos of one another. You'll recall that Dr. Leonard is the "Boob God," and his wife is his favorite test subject. We can't tell whether Lisa is 24 or 44, from her Bruce Jenner-like face. But you can't deny the girl is fit. Too tight of a hug and that might be the last we see of Mrs. Hochstein.
Next up: Joanna Krupa, who kind of needs to get her shit together. (Or not -- we love a hot mess.) Tonight, the issue of how much her sister hates her fiancé, Roman Zago, hits a new level. We learn that Joanna and her boo aren't having sex that often, giving all five straight men who watched this show last night a sweet image to take with them to bed.
When Adriana introduced the idea of living on a boat on episode one, we laughed. Living on a boat is mildly homeless, no? Sure, Diddy yachts, but he still comes back to his house like a normal person. Adriana de Moura, however, is still supporting this idea, but with hesitation, because she isn't sure she wants to get married. She needed some guidance, so naturally she went to renowned spirit guide Elsa Patton.
If you ask Elsa for marriage advice, she is going to tell you to run. She told us to take the ring and flee on the red carpet a couple weeks ago. And she gives the same advice to Adriana, saying the key is to put your head on the right pillow -- a pillow that is full of money. Amen, honey. That's an R&B diva anthem in the making.
Still, if you are looking to get a ring on your finger, do what Mama E does best and throw rice at yourself. Just trust her on this -- we always do.
By the way, did anyone else notice that Adriana just lets herself into Elsa's house without knocking? What if Elsa had been busy trying on muumuus or sampling new Havana Elsa coffee products?
Last night's episode didn't get extra juicy until the the ladies bashed heads at the "Swine & Wine" South Beach Wine & Food Festival soiree. Everyone is drinking, but for some reason nobody is eating ("swine" is right there in the name, ladies) and booze with an empty stomach never ends well. So when the girls sit down at a table together (probably to stop from falling over) Lea decides its time to put all the shit out on the table when it comes to the alleged love triangle between Ana, Karent, and Mr. Telenovela. We have a hard time believing Rodolfo is into either of the two women. Are we the only ones getting the gay vibe?
Lea doesn't really seem to care either way -- she just finds it all entertaining, as do we.
Coming up next: We get an appearance from Elaine Lancaster (hooray!) and we also see a drunken fit from Joanna (double hooray!). Add a sprinkle of Elsa in there and you've captured our three favorite things in one night.
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.