The Catalina Premieres Tonight: The Good, the Bad, and the Evil

Let us begin by saying we are whip-smart, college-educated smartypantses. But damn, do we love ourselves some reality television. Keeping Up With the Kardashians? You betcha. The Amazing Race? We have never missed a season.

And if the program happens to take place in Miami, you can bet your 305 area code it is programed into our DVR. (See: Basketball Wives, Real Housewives of Miami.)

So when we say that we might be skipping The Catalina, the CW's newest reality show following the lives of the staff of South Beach's Catalina hotel -- well, that's saying something.

Before you accuse us of Miami-on-Miami television crimes, know this:

We've seen the first episode. And, well, it's not great. But it might be

salvageable, in a guilty pleasure kind of way. Here's our breakdown of

the good and the bad.

Why you'll hate it:

The Guests
Sorry, Miami tourism board. It's not that we hate tourists; we just dislike anyone that the CW has paid to stay at The Catalina. In episode one, you will see everyone you expect to see during a weekend in Miami: a bachelorette party, a family looking to get wasted, etc. Then there are two gems "following a band around the country" who just happened to pop up wherever the staff happen to frequent around South Beach. Come on, CW, get real.

The Staff
Oh, the people who "work" here. It looks as if they went to Wilhelmina Models, found the hottest/dumbest people they had, and offered them a job. You will enjoy watching the fake chemistry between bartenders Kris and Nancy. And when we say enjoy, we mean want to poke out your eyes with hot sticks.

The Management
If you wonder why so many girls in Miami are single, just check out hotel owner Nathan. He is epitome of everything girls hate about the men in this city. Every Miami girl knows a Nathan. He's that man who thinks he's way more good looking than he actually is, spends $500 on a shirt that's worth $5, and is just all-around terrible. Then there's his general manager Stephanie. If you are thinking of getting lip injections, let her be your inspiration to stay au naturel. These are just the most unlikable staffers; you are going to hate everyone, with one exception: Morgan. Now, let's get to Morgan.

Why you'll love it:

This Polish princess is the classic evil diva of reality TV lore. Is she awful? Oh yes. But she's also the only person on the entire program we don't think is faking every moment they are on camera. If you want to get sassy inside The Catalina hotel, we suggest you don't do so within Morgan's earshot. Then there is her gay BFF Eyal, who is a hot-ass mess -- which is exactly why he's our favorite character by far. He's also the only reason we're considering continuing to watch this show.

There's no doubt that the beaches in Miami are a main reason tourists flock here. But another key factor, we believe, is is the Miami custom of starting cocktail hour way before 5 p.m. The Catalina and its staff share that mentality. In most scenes, they are seen guzzling a drink or 10 around noon. Oh, and the rooftop pool staff is allowed to drink on the job. Um, where do we apply for this fake job?

The Scenery
Like any Miami Beach-based program that has come before it (8th & Ocean, Miami Social, Real Housewives of Miami), we will take any excuse to ogle the amazing city we call home. Sure, we could do that just by walking out our front door. But it's nice to see that scenery without having to stand in the pouring rain, and lately, the only way to do that is to watch it on TV.

So, will you love it or hate it -- or both? Catch the premiere on the CW tonight at 8 p.m. and find out for yourself.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

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