Halloween is one of the rare occasions in life where inappropriate behavior is actually encouraged. Tarts get tarty, meatheads show their meat, and freaks of all kinds unleash their freakiness on the general public. And mostly, we love it. "Get a load of that Obama outfit. He's got a donkey coming out of his rump!" Or "Look at that dude in the blackface with Styrofoam rubble all around him. He must be doing the Haitian Earthquake victim. What a hoot!" Wait. What? Earthquake victim? Not cool.
And that's the problem with Halloween. There'll always be some mook who isn't happy until he's insulted your race, gender, sexual identity, religion, or some other sensitive bone in your body. But who are we kidding? We love it just the same. The only thing better than watching a young kid walk around with faux dynamite strapped around his torso and a sign stating "child terrorist" is seeing two inebriated ass clowns dressed as the Twin Towers. So if you're looking to start trouble, consider the following inappropriate costumes:
9. Hitler or any other Nazi Bastard
Nazis in general and the Fuhrer in particular are probably not the best ideas for dress up. Our Jewish brethren don't look too kindly on real life doppelgangers of the small mustached one. Just ask Prince Harry what kind of shit storm you can face when you throw on some swastikas. Avoid danger by making sure to cast Adolf in a negative light. Try an oversized diaper and being carried on a leash by Eva Braun.
8. Huge Schlong Man
OK, this isn't a character as much as it's a long willy. And, usually, walking around with a strap on or dildo or flaccid faux pecker in your hands is funny. But be careful where you swing that thing. Ladies may, or may not want to touch it. Don't go forcing it on anybody lest you be called Clarence Thomas and have to face a jury of drunk boyfriends.
Halloween might have its origins in All Saints Day but that definitely doesn't mean Catholics get a free pass. In fact, they're one of the most popular punching bags on October 31. We're thinking in particular of priests who pop up at Halloween by the hundreds and usually with small children dolls attached to their nether regions.
6. Islamic Terrorist
These are among the few blatantly racist costumes that are still not really frowned upon (see World Trade Center Mosque debate). But we think that's bullshit. If you can't walk around without blackface, swastikas, or a Castro beard, then you sure as shit shouldn't be able to do so with a turban and some fake C4. And for those of you who think you are man enough to make fun of our Arab brothers, why don't you dress up like the Prophet Muhammed and see where that gets you.
5. Catastrophe Victims
Timely, satirical, and political-themed costumes are always crowd favorites, but when you take the closest catastrophe on the calendar and decide to poke fun at it, well, a little piece of your soul dies. Egregious offenders in recent years are Tsunami victims, displaced Katrina survivors, and you can expect some Haitian /Chilean earthquake victims this Halloween.
Remember this simple lesson to avoid an ass whooping: White sheets are only OK if used to represent ghosts. But having the grand master dragon of the Ku Klux Klan run around Coconut Grove with a burning crucifix in tow will most definitely mean trouble. We don't care that Dave Chappelle made the world laugh as the only black leader of the KKK. Him doing it = Funny. You doing it = Dangerous.
This is an oldie but goodie in South Florida, which can still awaken some real pain in abuelitas and abuelitos. Mostly, it's how you portray El Commandante. We suggest with a machete impaled across his noggin. That ought to get the party started in Little Havana.
2. The Three Kings
No not the Catholics again. We're talking about LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh. Not really inappropriate unless you're walking down the streets of downtown Cleveland. We dare you to try it.
You'd think people would be wise enough to stay away from blackface Hallowen costumes in the 21st Century. But some people won't learn that lesson until they get a black eye. Go ahead. Douse yourself in shoe polish. Then get ready to duck and cover.
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