, the child bride of 51-year-oldDoug Hutchison
(who played the gross correctional officer in
, Toons fromThe X-Files
, and Horace Goodspeed fromLost
)just celebrated her 17th birthday this week
. And as you piece together the blown bits of your mind in order to fully digest the fact that a 51-year-old man married a 16-year-old girl, it gets creepier. Way creepier. For instance, this is how Stodden decided to Tweet farewell to her last day of being 16:
Celebrating the last night of being sweet-n-sexy 16 by wearing NOTHING but my tasty bday-suit! Mmm; Yummy! ;-)
And there's more -- way more goose-bump and vomit-inducing brain farts to be found on her Twitter page @CourtneyStodden. Get ready to cringe and dry heave.
And Stodden's jailbait Tweets aren't just disturbing. If you believe
that these Tweets are actually conducted in Stodden's own overly
peroxided head (and it isn't Hutchison creating the tweets himself), it
becomes evident in the language she uses that she's no dimwitted Lolita.
She actually has a great sense for language and could have quite a career as an editor in chief at any major adult
or Village Voice Media publication if she really set her sights sort of high. But most likely she won't.
She'll just continue to beguile us with her tweets of gold, so absurd
they're almost like hilarious poetry. So in honor of Stodden's 17th
birthday, here's ten of her greatest tweets (which has only been around
since July 1st):
10. Why is her body moist? Is she made of delicious cupcakes?
While I lie beneath this sizzling-sun, the popsicle that I am sweetly sucking on begins to melt & drips irresistibly all over my moist body!
9. Man, someone cool her down with a Popsicle, STAT!
As I soak up the last bit of heat out here on my sun-glazed patio in a cheeky bikini, my entire body IGNITES with desire for a steamy night!
8. What is this "it" she is referring to? Spay paint? A Polaroid picture? Shake N Bake? A bobble-hula girl? Pepto Bismol? Doug's hand? Or is it a disgusting combo of all five?
While Doug prepares a delicious din-din, I arouse his appetite by shakin it on the kitchen counter to "Car Candy" ... Just doin' my job! ;-)
7. We'll tell you who knows a Ferris wheel is fun -- children.
Had a blast last night @ the Santa Monica Pier. I loved performing dances on the light up poles. Who knew a ferris wheel could be so fun?!
6. A wet cat suit? A wet cat is not sexy. Is this sexy? No!
Stepped my paws into a sexy wet cat-suit; Prowling mysteriously around the house while lickin' my lips searchin' for some nip! MEEEOWWW! ;-)
5. The splits? She can do more than one split at a time? How does that
work? Does she have multiple sets of legs? Is she actually an
octopus-woman born under the sea from the egg of lady squid who was
unruly with a male porn star who likes to partake in scuba diving and
aquatic bestiality in his spare time? It all makes sense now!
Just learned how to do the splits... Figured I'd need to know how to do that trick sooner or later! Who knew my legs were so flexible?! ;-)
4. As classic as Jezebel
Just returned from a lovely Sunday morning service @ church today. Kickin back at home now while sporting a HOT mini-retro-jumper! CLASSIC!
3. Also makes for AMAZING bunions!
Back in from a hot hike up the back inclines of LA. Boy, conquering THAT in 7 in. stilettos makes for an AMAZING workout! Feeling energized!
2. We also hear your abdomen is good for connecting you hips and legs to your torso too!
Mmm... My rock-hard abs work perfectly as a delicious goodie dish! ;-x
1. Who knew the breeze was such a skank?
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What a sensuous Saturday morning this is: The whimsical palm trees are lightly swaying, while the soft breeze sweetly kisses my body. Mmm...
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