Look, you're not the only one who's bitter and alone on Valentine's Day. But don't turn into one of those cowards who are "happily single" and labeling it a Hallmark holiday. Nobody likes to be alone on V-Day -- but that doesn't give you an excuse to lock yourself in a dark room to binge on chocolates and heart-shaped treats, whimpering to heartbreak tunes on loop.
Instead, turn on the lights, drop the chocolates, and press pause on your iPod. Get out there and get active. If the Occupy movement taught us anything, it's that protest -- in whatever way, shape or form -- is the utmost freedom of expression. Here are a few ways to Occupy Valentine's Day 2012, just to get you started.
We know it's pretty unfeasible to ask you to buy out the entire chocolate supply in South Florida. Instead, grab a couple of your sore and single pals, and hit your neighborhood drug stores. Fill your baskets with all the sweet treats you can find (or afford). Store the supply for a few future rainy days, or gift them to a homeless shelter. Can't afford a buy-out? Then stage it. That's right: Find clever ways to hide all of the candy around the store. It's the ultimate V-Day inconvenience system.
You hate roses. Everything about them. Especially the red ones. And the worst part about seeing flowers on Valentine's Day is how they make you feel when you are not the intended recipient. The time has come to intercept the flower guy.
You could go the vigilante route: Stalk his truck until it stops. Pick a fun mask -- the president, a stocking, Cupid perhaps -- and throw it on. Park behind him and ambush. Take the flowers and run. Note: This will almost certainly get you arrested. Instead, why not stage a peaceful protest outside the doors of your favorite flower shop? We can hear the protest chants now: "What do we want? To be loved! When do we want it? Now!"
There are two types of anti-Valentiners. The ones who are just single and sad, and the ones who've been left for another partner. Here's a little invasion both of you could use. We call it the Reverse Say Anything Serenade. Singles, simply pick a romantic restaurant that is packed with couples. Jilted exes, do some social networking to determine where your former lover will be dining tonight. It'll be hard to sneak a boombox into the nicer establishments, but do your best. When the moment is right, calmly stand up, hoist that sucker above your head, and blast a well-chosen tune. Loners, use your favorite heartbreak track. Crazy exes, you know what your song was. Either way, make it noticeable. It might not ruin their dinner, but it will certainly disrupt the lovey-dovey mood inside the joint.
My grumpy Valentine
Most offices tend to overdo it on Feb. 14. Females go to great lengths to feed everybody pink baked goods. Random rose-colored foils build up all over your desk, and cheesy first-grade cards with Charlie Brown kissing Lucy have infiltrated your mailbox. It's time to act out with a blackout. For every pink or red candy you receive, deliver one back in black. For every annoying envelope scrawled with hearts, reciprocate with a black envelope, and put your anti-love poetry to good use. Sour mass e-cards and lonesome playlist shares will help seal the deal. By lunchtime, you'll be the Valentine's Day Grinch -- and nobody will bother you with that shit next year.
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N-LAB ("No Lovers Allowed Bash")
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em? Bullshit. Instead, throw an impromptu bash with all of your stag besties. In public or in private, the way you Occupy is up to you. Host your very own fete with a roster of activities to engage everybody. A bonfire burn is always great to get rid of built-up angst and emotions leftover by an ex. The color red can have new meaning, too. Have everybody bring a nice bottle of cabernet or pinot noir, and get good and sloshed. Throw on your favorite lovesick, heartbreak playlist and have a dance party together. Pool all of your candy collections from the workday and gift it to the best-ranking love-gone-bad story. Wind down with a movie of the night amongst like-minded friends. (May we suggest these classics?) After all, misery loves company. And, that's a saying we can get down with today.