First, let us say this: We at Cultist count ourselves among the Miami art scene's biggest supporters. From its graffiti murals to the works in its galleries, Miami is, in our opinion, one hell of a beautiful place to live.
That being said, Miami is home to some ugly-ass art.
There's no accounting for taste where art is concerned, and here in the 305, our picturesque landscape is broken up by more than a few eyesore installations. These monumentally garish forms of "artistic" expression are placed strategically throughout the city -- some paid for with tax dollars, all incredibly pointless. Hey, at least there are a few fewer starving artists in the world, right?
Here are our city's top 5 worst artistic missteps.
5. "Portrait of a Rock"
Poor Miami Dade College, the red-headed stepchild of Miami's
educational landscape. But at least the city has attempted to grace its
various campus landmarks with art, presumably in order to up the school's prestige .
One of these "prestigious" pieces is dubbed
"Portrait of a Rock." And, yeah, the name says it all; it's a large aluminum monstrosity
that looks like, well, a giant rock. Creativity in all its glory,
courtesy of Robert Lawrence Lobe. Personally, we'd rather have the real
4. The Seashell Menorah and Dreidel
As Lincoln Road readies itself for the holiday season each year, two
famous monstrosities rear their ugly heads. Hoards of Miami Beach
tourists and locals alike are subjected to a seashell-encrusted giant
menorah and giant dreidel, both the work of Mr. Roger Abramson.
Look, we love Miami's Chosen People. That's why we've gotta ask: Is this the best we can do to honor the Hanukkah holiday? Like
dime store souvenirs, these bloated tributes to Judaism are blights on
our beach. In fact, forget Judiasm -- they're not even fitting tributes to the shellfish who died to create them.
3. All Britto Everything
Oh, Britto, how we loathe thee. Your garish colors, overly
congenial imagery, and vapid tributes to the lowest common denominator
are an eternal embarrassment.
When it comes to Britto's hate-worth public art, we had plenty to choose from. But our least favorite has gotta be creepily friendly fellow at Dadeland Station. A white dude, with '90s hair, dressed as a circus clown and gesturing like he wants to molest us? This is how we welcome people to Miami? Yeah, that
shiny, happy shitshow totally represents our complex, culturally relevant
city. Good work, buddy.
2. "Neruda's Gate"
The 83-acre Fairchild Tropical Botanical Gardens are a remarkably
stunning example of South Florida's lush tropical flora and fauna. But
the art that graces its landscape isn't always up to par with Mother
Nature's aesthetic abilities.
Case in point: Mark Di Suvero's red metal
spectacle. A sharp contrast to many of the garden's lovely (and
fitting) sculpture work, this represents modern art in all its
pointlessness. Hardly a complementary asset to the otherwise gorgeous
1. The Marlins Home Run Sculpture
Well, you had to see this one coming. Last, but certainly not least, is the unforgettable new home run
sculpture gracing our $500 million dollar taxpayer-funded Marlins
Call it the Fish Fiesta. Or the Tremenda Mierda Fountain.
Whatever you call it, the kitschy flying fish in their neon sea will
live in infamy as Miami sports' most embarrassing beacon of bad taste, courtesy
of Red Grooms.
These eyesores are a depressing commentary on some of our city's
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artistic leanings (and spending habits). But on a happy note, let's
thank our lucky stars Miami's got talent in spades to outweigh these
showboating savants who weaseled their way into our public sphere. Hooray us?