When I first heard that cock-crazed City of Miami officials were planning to pepper Little Havana's streets with six-foot fiberglass sculptures of roosters back in 2002, I thought le cayó comején al piano. Cojones! What's next? Soon the nabe was overrun with the eyesores, painted by a bunch of planchado artists who had less luck drawing attention than a turd has for flies.
Sure, Chicago had its cows. There were beagles in Seattle and ponies in New Mexico. Coño acere, Rhode Island even has el Cabezon de Papa repping the 401. But starting with the cocks, Miami has been beset in the past few years by invasions of pink snails, flamingos, peacocks, and, most recently, by a herd of manatees. These public art sculptures are a blot on the landscape and mostly inspire being melted by a blowtorch. So imagine the unbridled joy after finding out that el gallo cubanoamericano was snatched from in front of El Pub Restaurant on the corner of SW 16th Avenue and Calle Ocho.
The 70-pound fowl is painted the colors of Old Glory and the Cuban Flag and supposed to be emblematic of el exilio here. He was pried from his moorings in the wee hours this past weekend and has been missing ever since. So far, no ransom note has been delivered to Miami City Hall. I'm hoping the culprit is not some prankster or a dolt looking to sell the rooster for some quick cash.
But that's not the case with Pablo Canton, adminstrator of Miami's Net Office in Little Havana who has his fingers crossed some frat house clowns absconded with his patriotic cock. "I have a special sentimental attachment to the rooster because it was emblazoned with the Cuban and American flags and I served in Vietnam," Canton says. "To me its like a slap in the face. I am hoping whoever stole it will dump it on a corner somewhere and that it won't end up in a santeria ritual," he says.
Instead I'm praying that the culprit is some sort of public art vigilante sacrificing himself on the altar of freedom for the public good not unlike the Big Mango's fearless pols.
Or maybe he's just some broke dick klepto collector like French waiter Stephane Breitwieser who robbed 172 museums in Europe of 239 artworks worth tens of millions of dollars, an average of one every 15 days, during his spree. He kept the stuff in his bedroom until dicovered by the cops, but not before his mom destroyed millions of dollars worth of evidence.
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Me importa tres pepinos, that the pilfered pullet won't be making the FBI's top ten art heists list anytime soon. Broder, the only thing I care about is that the malefactor doesn't quit on the 305 now. Oye sapingo, don't settle for being a yellow-bellied chicken thief!
Why not skulk over to South Miami under the cover of dark and rid us of those unsightly sea cows. The next time pink snails slime their way into town no seas un baboso y liberanos de la salacion. And don't forget to wipe our city's collective culo free of Romero Britto while you're at it until not even a dingleberry remains. Remember you're not fighting alone to keep our environment clean.
Man up guanajo! Now that you have been bitten by the art collecting bug, start by returning to Little Havana and finishing the job. If not you better remember that it's always chicken one day, feathers the next.