Lending a Hand

This girl I know -- we'll call her Sophie -- told me she never touches herself, you know, down there -- she never masturbates. Impossible, I thought. "She's lying," another friend said, in shocked disbelief. After realizing as a kid that women actually poop and fart and do everything men do, I figured they naturally spend some quality time down south when left alone. That's why Sophie kinda freaked me out. How can you live in a house and never mess around with the plumbing? I mean really. It's inhuman. I dare say, even a sin, never to have spanked the monkey or whipped the cream. But alas, I was assured by sex toy entrepreneur Laura Weide, there are some lost souls roaming around who have never played downtown. Poor things. Whether they be too embarrassed to admit it or too horrified at the notion (Sophie rambled on about how gross it was), it's never too late to start.

This Sunday the ultrachaste will have a good reason to get busy by themselves by participating in the Fifth Annual Masturbate-A-Thon, a national self-love fest that raises money for AIDS awareness and HIV prevention organizations. The event is the brainchild of Weide and her partner Rachel Venning of Toys In Babeland, a San Francisco-based online sex emporium with stores in Seattle and New York City. Venning and Weide are working to bring self-gratification out of the closet.

"Even though most everybody does it, nobody talks about it," Weide says. "People talk about their sexual experiences, but nobody says 'Let me tell you about the great wank I had last night.'"

Naturally.

The Babeland ladies want to open the channels of touchy-feely communication and let people know that it's all right to go "down there." Whether it be alone, in front of your partner, or with a specially organized Masturbate-A-Thon party, by participating in the event you'll have the great satisfaction that you'll have come for a cause. And I might add, it's more fun than selling Girl Scout cookies.

To join the fun, start by downloading a sponsorship form from www. babeland.com. Then get your friends, family, and co-workers to pay you for each minute you spend stroking yourself on Sunday. Be assured there are no judges or timers; the masturbation tabulation is done strictly on the honor code. Just think of the fun you'll have watching everyone's reactions when you approach them for support.

Though the money raised goes to a great cause, Weide points out the Masturbate-A-Thon aspires to even higher objectives. "We want everybody to know they can enjoy sexual pleasure," Weide says. "You don't need to depend on other people for orgasms."

All you gotta do is let your fingers do the walking. If that's not enough there's always the Hitachi Magic Wand, Babeland's most popular vibrator, to help you out. End result -- a more vibrant, exciting, and loving society.