Dancing With The Stars Week Seven: Lady Gaga, Vampires, and Other Classics

It was only a matter of time until Gladys Knight's charming

yet awkward run on Dancing With The Stars came to an end. Like an older

relative on a social network, it started cute, then became sad, then morbidly

fascinating, and finally unbearable until we hit the proverbial "hide posts"

button, praying that they won't ask why we never 'like' their statuses at


Don't feel bad, Gladys! Having a dance off with child actor

Roshon Fegan is just one high point in your illustrious career. Never mind the past, though, we have Classical Week on DWTS to dive into!

Katherine Jenkins and Mark started the evening with a rumba.

Classical music is right up Katherine's alley, as is being impossibly

attractive. Mark reminds us that we can't spell classical without "ass." You also

can't spell 'jackass' without it either, dude. But maybe we're just hating because he went in for a deep mouth

kiss at the end of the dance and didn't have his advances spurned while

everyone else in junior high mocked him and his visible erection. They get a 27.

Melissa Gilbert and Maks followed with an Argentine tango.

Maks has a cyst in his ankle and debates pulling out and allowing his brother

to finish, a scenario we're sure brings back memories of Melissa's wilder days

in the '80s. Maks decides to go for it and it's terrible! That's what you get

for trying. The judges award them a 21.

William Levy and Cheryl waltzed to "Ave Maria." William

reminds us that he isn't a "classical" guy, having been raised in Cuba. And his

ankle is acting up, probably as a result of trying to reign in his smoldering

sexuality. All the worrying is for naught as they perform a beautiful dance

surrounded by more dry ice and fog than a mid level prog rock concert. They

score a respectable 27.

Roshon Fegan and Chelsie tangoed to classical standby "Bad

Romance." Wait, what? Are there not more than six classical songs? For some

reason Roshon is having problems feeling masculine doing the tango to a Lady

Gaga song. And yet they manage to get a 25. You'll be a man in no time, Roshon! May we suggest being

surly and drinking to excess?

Donald Driver and Peta performed a waltz. The best way to

describe the couple's costume is if a person tried to describe Downton Abbey to

someone who has never seen Downton Abbey, and that person is also Prince. They

get a 27, perhaps because the opera singing reminded the judges of those funny

Bugs Bunny cartoons. Merry Melodies indeed!

Maria Menounos and Derek paso doble'd perfectly. The

producers try to psych us out by making the practice seem like a disaster. But

we knew better. 30 points! The first perfect score of the year. You take that

score and rub it in Mario Lopez's face, Maria! Then make fun of him for that

"The View for Men" show he was on with Danny Bonaduce.

Jaleel White and Kym finished the solo dances with a waltz.

Their segment was pretty boring, so we're going to talk more about Maria and

Derek. They put on vampire fangs. Sure, it was perfect, but wouldn't it have been

better if they danced to Smashing Pumpkins "Bullet with Butterfly Wings"? Shouldn't

DWTS do a Billy Corgan week? Jaleel and Kym get a 24.

And we end the show with the group dancing competition. Team

Tango (Maria and Derek, Katherine and Mark, Roshon and Chelsie, Jaleel and Kym)

scored a 27 while Team Paso Doble (Donald and Peta, Maria and Derek, William

and Cheryl) scored a 26. Oooh, we bet that extra point will mean so much in

this competition that is still primarily determined by fan vote!

Melissa Gilbert and Maks have to be gone this week. Did you

know that Maks is short for Maksim? We're just going to let you marinate on

that one. See you next week!

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Drew Spears