Nice guys always finish last. Assholes always get the girl. It's a dating cliche, but to a certain extent, it's true.
If I had to pick a joke to use on a girl I'm chatting up at a bar, I wouldn't go with "Why don't aliens eat clowns? Because they taste funny!" (Though that is a solid gem of a joke. You're welcome.) I would go with, "HAY GURL, HOW MANY FEMINISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB? TRICK QUESTION -- FEMINISTS CAN'T CHANGE ANYTHING." Yes, I'd figure out a way to speak in caps lock without yelling, because that's what top gun lady-seducers (read: jerks) do.
The film Car Date aims to show you how to be that guy. With the slogan "Gain their trust. Control their mind. Take what you want," the movie claims to turn you into a lady-brainwashing machine. After watching it, though, I'm pretty sure it's more like, "How to talk to two hookers knowingly participating in a documentary." But hey, if the last time you got some ass was when your finger poked through the toilet paper, maybe you should read on.
Lacy Burke (the porniest name since Putta Dickinmyass) directs,
narrates, and stars in this moderately short film. The film's website repeatedly describes what Burke does as "mind control," which is
wildly inaccurate; these tactics are simple exploitation of human
psychology. Mind control is what Professor X and Fox News do. What's
exhibited in this movie is, at best, guiding someone to an expected
result based on tailored actions designed to elicit a specific response.
It's the kind of thing done by scientists, interrogators, and
Upon further inspection of his website, I read multiple
accounts about how Burke is an asshole. I tested it out myself by
emailing him and mocking his film before having even seen it. He
responded the way an asshole would -- by telling me I need to get pussy.
Then he said he'll mail me a check for $4 to use at Taco Bell.
That was enough to get me to watch his film, because what's better than
watching an asshole be an asshole on TV?
it turns out, there was a distinct lack of dickery in the movie. I
expected him to go from Lou Diamond Phillips to Lewd Diamond Phillips.
(Fuck, that's an outdated reference.)
The general style of the movie
involves the camera constantly pointing at the two subjects, who are porn
actresses/prostit--I mean, escorts who were misled into agreeing to be on a
pilot for a dating TV show. Lying is the best way to start a
relationship, everybody knows that. There's a blonde
named Victoria and a brunette bag of shut-the-fuck-up named Charlie.
Since this is a guide on how to get laid for the everyday man, using two girls who are literally paid to have sex in both of their professions might not have been the best idea. (Unless you believe the locker room talk at LA Fitness, in which every guy is always
banging two girls at once.) The two-on-one setup in itself is a direct flaw in the film's
premise, but it can be excused because Lacy isn't showing you how to
comport yourself on a date with two women. He's showing you how to pick up a woman
when she's not alone. In other words, Car Date's supposed to be a pickup
There are a lot of self-described pickup artists out there.
One I'm familiar with is a gentleman named "Mystery." He is memorable
because he looks like the aging portrait Criss Angel has stashed in an attic that lets him remain so youthful. (That's a great reference, by the way. Read a
Mystery had a show on VH1 in which he and his crew of similarly
garishly-dressed dudes trained a bunch of nerds to hit on women. Lacy's
guide clashes with Mystery's methodology in several ways. Mystery
likes to stay away from compliments, or at least give them as "negs" (a
backhanded compliment); Lacy, however, spent a good portion of his date
complimenting Victoria and Charlie. Mystery says, "Don't buy women
drinks"; Lacy bought drinks, roses, a stuffed animal, and food from In-N-Out for each of his ladies. (Which is hardly fair -- Lacy, I
will fuck you for those goddamn burgers.)
Mystery states you shouldn't give women control, only the illusion of
control; Lacy goes on to basically let the girls pick out the whole damn
Clearly, there are many methods to bedding someone, and what works on some may not work for all, flunitrazepam excluded.
the film, Lacy flirts, compliments, engages, and makes the women laugh. In
other words, he's comfortable talking to women, which in my opinion is
the only thing you really need. He's never an outright dick, even though
the commentary would lead you to believe that his interaction algorithm
is as rudimentary as disgruntled nice guys would claim.
I watched the film -- which felt like a David Attenborough-style wildlife
documentary as Lacy narrated the behavioral patterns of the elusive,
sexually liberated, white American female -- I felt an overwhelming urge to
hit Charlie over the face with a stack of shitty Nicki Minaj mixtapes.
On the annoyance scale, she landed somewhere between bed bugs and
herpes. She truly seemed like the perfect test subject: opinionated,
grating, unfunny, dull, and pretty. Lacy toyed with her the most,
understandably, and mostly treated her like a puppy. Basically, his technique leverages a person's innate
desire to be preferred.
After viewing the movie I thought, "Was I
taught how to get laid?" The best way to answer this is to put what I
had learned to the test. For science. Unfortunately (just kidding,
sweetie, don't cut my balls off) I've got this girlfriend I have to clear
things with first, so I asked her for permission.
Yeah, that didn't pan out.
Clocking in at 43 minutes long, the film is like watching two episodes of Blind Date. Car Date
isn't teaching you how to get laid any more than watching your player
friend talk to women. This isn't a how-to in any sense of the word, and
more of a breakdown of what this one guy did this one time. That's not to say I didn't enjoy it --
I found it entertaining -- but there's nothing very
revealing in this documentary. And that's kind of the point of documentaries,
Being Lacy's first foray into film making though, I'll say it's not bad.
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.