Film & TV

Artists Work Their Magic on Offensive, Ugly Ink on Tattoo Nightmares: Miami

Think back to summer 2005, when the notion of tattoo reality television was a novelty with the smash hit Miami Ink. Since then, artist and reality stars like Kat Von D have emerged and spin offs like LA Ink, London Ink, and Madrid Ink have emerged from virgin TV viewing flesh.

Fast-forward to today where Ink Master is hosted by Dave Navarro and the underbelly of Tattoo Nightmares has been brought to the public light. Well, in a full-circle, yin and yang or tribal tattoo kind of way, last night premiered a new spin-off Tattoo Nightmares: Miami.

Returning to the Magic City, the show sought to ink impossible tattoos and correct the worst ink could do. The three artists are Samuel Suarez (AKA High Noon), Reese Hilburn, and Clint Cummings.

Here are the three most terrorific tattoos:

See also: Tattoo Nightmares Miami Will Showcase South Florida's Worst Ink

Clint, who has an impressive mohawk and was on the second season of Ink Master, had a first client who had a tattoo on his forearm that read "Get Fucked" and according to the inked man, "it is destroying his life." We learned that lettering is the hardest thing to cover-up, especially when it is black and bold. It is ruining his dates and job interviews and he wants to commemorate his time in the military and fallen soldiers with a hot girl in fatigues.

Reese's client is a guy who introduces himself as "Chy Tea" (to which she quips, "Only in Miami") who wants a tattoo in the most painful elbow region. To make matters worse, he's real boney. He is a local artist who wants a character he spray paints on his elbow spray-painting the Wynwood sign. Reese is unfamiliar with "this Wynwood area" that Chy speaks of and states that she has fine-arts training and an oil painting background so is also not so familiar with graffiti style.

The final troubled customer was Lourdes who needed to cover up her mixed-heritage tattoo gone wrong. She has insulted her family, culture, and favorite baseball team with a Puerto Rican flag with the New York Yankees logo on top. Thankfully, her artist, High Noon is a Puerto Rican New Yorker who wants to help rid her of this flag that resembles a swastika. To fix the art before her wedding and restore her relationship with her father, she wants the Statue of Liberty draped in a Puerto Rican flag instead, hoping for a better melding of her cultures.

The result?

Clint nailed covering up the lettering with some camouflage in the back and large female solider with a tear in her eye in the front. Now the only visible letters read P.O.W. Upgrade!

Chy bitched that his tattoo hurt (obviously) and then called Reese a bitch. (Not OK!) She took a breather and then squashed it. An artist painting an artist on an artist: meta. In the end, he was happy. Although, maybe next time he needs some steep time and Oprah Chai to soothe his soul and the needle jabbing his elbow bone.

Although, the best part of the show was the cheesy reenactment of Lourdes' tattoo nightmare where she was placed in a chair that reminded her of gynecologist stirrups and the greasy guy who looks like a mechanic inks her and says, "You and I both know that looks like NY, right?" She disagrees, knowing it looked like a swastika and then attending an impromptu family barbecue later in the week, she had to remove her sweater and her dad went wild -- swearing in Spanish and calling it a disgrace. The result had the same flag with the NY covered up but the Lady of Liberty in the forefront. As host High Noon explained, it now had two focal points. All we know is that it made us want to pledge allegiance to High Noon and his art.

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Carina Ost