"One sunny day, the God of Gun and the God of Rock had a drunken night of pleasure after too many shots at Mansion in South Beach. They named the result of their sacred, drunken union Pantera, and it was good." Maybe that's not exactly how Pantera Guns & Guitars came to be, but it might be close. This little store is chock full of pistols, rifles, revolvers, and "axes of evil" (the musical kind). Pantera also has a special "ladies' section," complete with pink guns, pepper spray, and mace (because a girl must defend herself by any means necessary). Worried about an earthquake, nuclear fallout, or complete breakdown of society? Pantera has a fully stocked selection of survival gear. And because the world hasn't yet reached total anarchy, classes are available so you can get your concealed-weapons permit (none required to carry a guitar). Pick up a Glock 38 and a Dean Hardtail Pro and look at you — you're living like a rock star, baby. And that rock star's name just happens to be Nugent, as in Ted.

Being a ninja in Miami is hard. Not only is it really hot under that black uniform and mask, but there are hardly any tall buildings to scale. And even when you find one, everyone assumes you're another MMA fighter acting like an asshole. So where do you go when you're a master in the art of stealth and seeking a supportive community of like-minded ninjutsu practitioners who understand your struggles? A strip mall in west Miami, of course. That's where you'll find MAC Sports Supplies, a small mom-and-pop shop owned by martial arts experts who are more than willing to offer an open ear and an array of numchucks, swords, hand claws, ninja garb, and other training gear at reasonable prices. We would tell you where it is, but you'll just have to use your espionage skills. What, the address is listed above? You're good, ninja, you're good.

Say the ghosts of Frédéric Chopin, Jean-Baptiste Lully, and Antonio Vivaldi were all spending a weekend in Miami and performing a once-in-a-postlifetime concerto at the Arsht Center to benefit the Greater Miami Youth Symphony. Where would they go to find sheet music and tune their instruments for the night? Probably the place that carries South Florida's largest collection of sheet music — more than 21,000 titles — and employs an in-house luthier. Allegro has been part of Miami's music community for more than 50 years and specializes in string, brass, and percussion instruments. The folks here also teach music to children and adults alike. It's a brick-and-mortar nirvana of all things music. Whether you want a $20 tambourine or a $7,000 — and beyond — violin, the store probably has it in stock. If not, they'll order it — and give you a damn good price in the process.

Ted Gawronski is a man of the sea. For years he raced powerboats up and down the East Coast. Then he settled in South Florida and now runs a place he calls "the only dive shop/dive charter facility on Miami Beach." The place has been around for 16 years and provides divers with two boats: the 36-foot Temptation and the six-pack Trident. Ted and his staff offer diving instruction as well as daily trips at 10 a.m., two trips a day on weekends, as well as night dives. They travel to some of the area's most exciting dive locations, including coral reefs, a sunken oil rig, and a variety of wrecks. Among them: the Andro, a 165-foot luxury yacht built in 1910, sunk in 1985, and ripped apart by Hurricane Andrew in 1992. And prices ain't half-bad. Boat trips go for $65, and tank rentals are a reasonable $10 each. Hours are 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Monday through Friday and 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Saturday.

Can you name 32 varieties of avocado, 39 types of mango, and six different sapodillas? Heck, do you even know what a sapodilla is? The folks at Pine Island Nursery do, and after being in business for 35 years, they are not only knowledgeable enough to tell you all about each, but also savvy enough to send you home with your very own tropical fruit tree, starting at just $30. Find everything from abiu to white sapote — 70 products in all — at the 50-acre nursery, open year-round. With Pine Island's help, condo commandos can become fig farmers lickety-split, and single-family-homeowners can grow a garden of fruit salad ingredients that would make Martha Stewart jealous. The nursery's website even dispenses helpful advice, such as which variety of dragon fruit is best for garnishing a cocktail. Yep, this is our kind of nursery.

Explore Miami on a Vespa. For $75, Grow Verde will deliver an Italian scooter anywhere in the city, let you keep the thing for six hours, and pick it up when you're all scootered out. The price includes gas and insurance. But the most unique thing about Grow Verde is its Vespa-sharing program. Are you a recent college grad who can't afford ramen noodles let alone car payments? With a "Housemates" membership, you and your roomies can split a $99 annual fee and call/text Grow Verde whenever you need a scooter. They'll deliver the Vespa and charge you a discounted rate of $49.99 for the entire day, or just $7.50 an hour. There are also membership packages for families and businesses, as well as a presidential club for big-money ballers.

Want to roll like a real Miamian, or at least the kind who pops up in hip-hop videos and furthers the stereotype of a glamorous party city? Then you need to be riding, not rolling, and it has to be on the water like in that "I'm on a Boat" SNL short. Sunshine Boating Group can make your delusions of grandeur a reality. Join the likes of Kevin Garnett, Christian Slater, Mel B, Britney Spears, and Lil Wayne, who have all been spotted here. But you don't have to be an A-lister to rent a Sunshine boat. Show off for your in-laws and clients, if only for half a day. The Miami outfit specializes in powerboats longer than 45 feet — Sea Rays, Sunseekers, Azimuts, Lazzaras — and rental includes captain and crew, fuel, and dockage fees. Half-day (four-hour) rentals of 45- to 50-footers start at $1,500, and $2,500 to $3,000 gets you a boat for a full day (eight hours). Larger vessels for full days cost $3,500 to $5,500.

This private club, hotel, and spa is located on the historic site of the Sovereign Hotel, which was entirely redesigned and expanded to include a 16-story oceanfront tower. Soho Beach House includes 49 rooms, a screening snug, two pools, and a beach club, as well as an expansive Cowshed spa and a Cecconi's restaurant open to nonmembers. Since it opened last fall, Soho has become a favorite haunt for South Beach models, so the place is perfect for ogling the scene's freshest faces. The Polaroid photo booth is a big hit with the model crowd. Another great feature can be found on the eighth floor, where the library, private dining room, and plunge bar and terrace resemble a rustic wood-cabin getaway from the roaring '20s. The Cowshed spa features turn-of-the-20th-century barbershop chairs. Annual memberships range from $900 to $2,400. Even the kiddies have to pay — children's memberships cost $250.

Miami is all about appearances. So when faced with the decision to (A) drive your 1989 Volvo to the club, (B) hail a taxi, or (C) rent a fully loaded stretch Escalade, you probably pick the last. That's because getting into a South Beach club is hard enough without the right connections, but pulling up to the joint in a fancy, chauffeured whip means you're probably important — either a celebrity or someone with a bunch of disposable income ready to burn Benjamins inside VIP without a worry in the world. Renting a limo is not only awesome but also practical, because nobody wants a DUI. Carefree Lifestyle understands and would much rather you drink and be driven than drink and drive. However, what really sets Carefree apart is that it also rents yachts, aircraft, and mansions. So if you want to take your party on the high seas, there's a 70-foot Azimut yacht ready to get wet and wild, or a 192-foot Islander complete with personal watercraft, scuba gear, kayaks — you name it — to enjoy.

It can be tough shopping for abuela. You want to give her a superuseful blender or a collector's-edition box set of ¿Qué Pasa, U.S.A.?, but you know that, at the end of the day, she'll most appreciate a pastel figurine of a pigtailed girl under a parasol walking a poodle. So quit trolling the DVD section of El Dollarazo like a cheapskate and buy her a classy gift at China Cabinet, home of high-end porcelain figurines, vases, plates, and everything else glossy and sparkly that sits in a chinera. Originally a small store inside Miami International Mall in the '80s, it expanded more than ten years ago to become the grandmother of all gift shops, if your grandmother is the type to wear a silk bata de casa while sipping a cup of sidra in fine crystal and admiring a case full of Lladró, Lalique, Disney Classic, and Precious Moments statuettes. If that sounds like a missing-person description for half your family, trust us, this will become your one-stop shop.